Cautiously Walking on Egg Shells

This time of year, can be a little rough for me. I do believe twinkly christmas lights are amazing, and the message of Jesus coming to earth is so profound, but I have had a history of saving the most epic of mistakes for this time of year. Choices and situations that created a lot of unpacking for the new year to come.

So this Christmas season I feel like a woman who is cautiously walking on egg shells with her guard up, just waiting for the next battle with a sheer determination to WIN whatever the heck it is....

Rest assure, nothing has happened yet. I have had horrible dreams that almost convinced me something bad happened by the time I woke up, but in the real world, all is well.

I just realize walking around like this, and living life constantly guarding your heart against everyone, is exhausting, and probably not necessary... and causing distance.

I am excited however to finish my exams, and get cracking hard core on my gift making. About 80% of my gifts this year are hand made... my favorite way :) So from next week wednesday, and probably until New Years, this girl will be at her sewing machine or kitchen counter piecing together my gifts.

Ok. Back to those exams...

Bob the Builder Little Mr. Fix-It-Alls

It is one of those weeks, where I feel like Dani needs to be locked up until her PMS is over. Before I explode over everyone and make everyone feel like crap. Lets view this, as damage control!

By the way,I can not believe next week is Thanksgiving. That is crazy! What is crazier still, is all that I have to get done before this year ends. Yea.

I've noticed, that as Christians, we so often romp around this world as little Bob the Builder Mr. Fix-its. Sometimes we make struggling people into projects, or shower people with a soap-box versions of our own stories and journeys, and most of the time we think we totally understand what another is feeling and going through "Because one time, I went through this... and I felt like this.... and this helped me see this... and thats what you need to do!"


I sincerely believe that the intentions are pure. I know mine have been. And I know other's have been as well.


But I don't think we are Bob the Builder little Mr. Fix-it-alls, that's 100% completely and totally God's job.
People are not our projects.
Most do not want to hear a sermon when sharing their heart
... and we do not always understand what they are feeling,
but for the times that we do, I believe God places those as tools, not moments to talk about ourselves.


"Healing begins when we hold tightly to the truth of God and allow the truth of God to hold tightly to us. God gives each of us the freedom to accept or reject His way. When we lean into His truth, we are less likely to conform to the world. His truth, His Word can be the light for each step we take. It illuminates the path that leads to His heart. God’s Word transforms. The apostle Paul said, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Romans 12:2a)"
-Gwen Smith


Ok, so I read Job 1-2 today for my awesome new "Read the Bible in a Year" plan. The other night, I was talking to a dearly beloved soul in this world (impressive title, I may add), and talked about two different kinds of struggles. 


- The struggles that are brought upon ourselves with sin, our own choices. Stuff we need to repent of, and actively change in our lives. 
- Struggles that are not that concrete. Things that were not brought into your life due to a consequence of a decision: like my dad's death of ALS (a genetic disorder), or deep struggles of the heart.


And so in Job, I saw the later taking play. Job did nothing to earn his struggles, but rather he was enduring tests.
Made me wonder, what areas in our lives are test ordained and permission by God? 
This is how Job responded to the tests:

 “Naked I come from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away’ may the name of the Lord be praised” - Job 1:20-21

"Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” - Job 2:10

Pretty much. God gives us trouble as well as good times. He gives and He takes away. And that's that.

I feel like I am peppering this with quotes and such. But I feel as if I have been peppered with them myself. So peppered it is.

I'll leave you with this final quote, so I can go and try to feed myself and accomplish great things in the land of homework and productivity! 

 “We live with accusations, sometimes heavy expectations that tell us we can never measure up. And yet You repeat with mercy that in Your eyes we are worthy, ‘til at last we see how much we’re loved.” -The song, "Broken into Beautiful" by Gwen Smith 

Amiss

Sometimes I hate feeling like I know something without really knowing something. Its weird. I go through my day, rather normally, and slowly this feeling creeps its way inside of me, and slowly I become aware that something, somewhere is amiss.

It is annoying. Because days later, or hours later, I find out what it is.

That is why I hate feeling as if I know something... without really knowing something.

The After Taste of Birthday Cake

I sincerely love this verse. I am half tempted to grab this verse and post it everywhere.

ACTUALLY! I tried this. Turns out nothing sticks to my car's dashboard. This is either due to dust, or my car as an allergic reaction to God's Word. I'm choosing to stick to the dust theory....

This past weekend is sadly over. 

I did not work Saturday or Sunday.

had my family birthday party.

I went to TWO weddings in ONE day.

My friend Joy was one of the most radiant brides I've ever scene. I am pretty sure her face hurt from all the smiling. I walked away from her wedding just in awe of her love for God, their love for God, and just how that shown through. 

My boyfriend's friend's wedding was a blast too. Now that was a celebration. I'm a proud girlfriend of a dance king (of sorts), and I discovered a new side to myself:

I'm that bully of a woman who snatches the bouquet from happy little girls...

OK, we BOTH caught the bouquet at the same time. 

The only difference, is that instead of looking at it with big excited eyes

I grabbed it.

I am not desperate.

I'm not.

I'm just  developing this underdeveloped competitive side to Dani...

and it's causing me to do crazy things.

Like run a 10k....

and telling my 6 foot 5 inch boyfriend I will beat him...

I believe weddings cause you to reflect on either your own wedding, your own marriage, or your own relationships. 

And that's exactly what I am doing as I sit here at my kitchen table, with the after taste of my birthday cake still in my mouth, and just amazed on how much BIGGER God is then.... well... everything. 

And how small we make Him.

Especially in relationships, where so often it becomes all about ourselves. Naturally we want to judge the other person based on:

"How do "I" feel loved?"

"What do they do for me?"

"Do they know ME?"

So, ok, here goes the reality check: This is really not all about me.

It's all about Him.

(and him)

But mostly Him.

THIS is why I LOVE Isaiah 43:18-19

Forget the past. Stop looking behind, and trying to put the puzzle pieces of old stories and old lives together into a cohesive whole. Look ahead, and see what God is doing. 

Despite the barren, dull, wasted, desolate, empty, wild, abandoned, and forsaken areas of our lives. 

Because see? He is doing a new thing!

And that is flipping exciting! 

I wasn't this Big Monster Running Around, Spilling Bitterness into Everyone's Coffee Cups.

I stumbled across my old blog the other day. Anyone remember xanga? The place where teenagers poured out their hearts to this unprepared world? Yes. Xanga.


At first it became a goofy scavenger hunt, where I tried to find little things I could laugh at. Stories about Reed when he was little, moments I recorded with friends. But walking down the roads of your past should come with much brighter warning labels. 


Because, I recognized this girl. 


I was reading about a girl, who was going through some hard times, who slapped on the "I'm fine" face and marched through this world like it owed me something.


I had no idea, that the worse was yet to come. And the pain was yet to double.


Because choices, have consequences. Good and bad.


But despite my harsh criticism of the old Dani, 
I'm still Dani. 
New or old. 
It MAY be possible that  my inner world is a little eccentric, and that it fools myself to believe that what I think, feel and believe is of utmost importance.


I tend to hold the trivial things too tightly, and the heavy matters too loosely.


Honestly however, I relate to that silly girl. Sometimes I get rather tired of dividing my life up into "Old Dani" and "New Dani", as if my life consisted of some Great Berlin Wall that has been "officially broken down" I find myself getting defensive of her, not necessarily trying to defend what she did or say, but to make everyone know that I wasn't this big monster running around, spilling bitterness into everyone's coffee cups. 


It is as if I go back into the pages of time, and want to grab that younger woman and tell her "it's ok. You ARE lovable... your just being a butt head right now, but your worth it. Just get real with yourself"


So when I read this recently in my devotions, it really has stuck with me; as a huge, loving reminder from God:


"We construct walls over which no one can climb because the cost of friendship is too high. We fill the windows of our soul with emotional excuses in order to avoid dealing with pain. The result is darkness, loneliness and missed opportunities for restoration. We don’t want to understand depression or find the treasures of that darkness; we simply want to be rid of it. Many people try to understand and deal with depression on a surface level – refusing to face painful experiences, difficult relationships and, in general, the broken places where darkness lives. We look for the nearest exit, hoping to bypass transparency because the price is just too much to pay. Emotional integrity is an essential step to recognizing, understanding and dealing with depression. We must be real before we can be right, and until we are willing to risk being transparent, we can neither understand nor effectively deal with depression during the holidays or any other time of the year."  - Mary Southerland   


It reminds me so very much of my journey. It is not where I am, but it is where I have been. 


So ok, MAYBE there was a huge wall that was crumbled over, by the sheer power of God. And ok, POSSIBLY God can use the testimony of "Dani the Dramatic One" for His glory somehow. (I feel like I am laying the melodrama on real thick today by the way) 


I suppose in a very strange way, my whole point in all of this, was to say: 
I'm still kind of a stubborn, feisty, eccentric, smiley, butt head ya know. 

The Grapers

Due to my desire to not do any more homework, combined with Reed's resistance to his own homework, and my mother's annoyance to our constant giggling from the kitchen... I made up a story about... a family.

(Reed has formally named The Grapers.)

Mrs. Graper, and Mr. Graper... have two babies named Hermie and Mildie.

And Mr. Graper's face is smudging off. It's a tragedy.

Not to mention Hermie is kind of deflating.

I suppose they have health issues.


And this concludes my incredibly productive evening.

I am not too sure if I am just posting this because I feel this is a wonderful expression of creativity at its finest... or I am taking any chance I may find to do anything but homework... either way. I think they are charming.

ITS A CUP! WITH WATER IN IT! OK!

I was once told,  that everything contains both joy and despair... the only thing that separates the two is this allusive thing called time.

I've been thinking about that lately, and I see the truth in it.

 In many ways.

That new car? That brings so much joy now? Well, in time, something will happen to it, it will need repairs, may break down, and bring on stress that was not originally there.

Like my car.

 I was a blubbering fool 
the morning my car acted like it was about ready to hand over its keys 
and say "I shall work no more"

Or "I will live, only if you pay for my medical bills"

Right. Car. I love you, but please... behave?

Its like the cellphone that worked great, until yesterday, you dropped it in the toilet.

My electronics have a bad habit of trying to swim.

I think this stretches into our relationships as well. People are lying to you if they say marriage is simply a walk in the park on a lovely autumn day. All that joy on the wedding day, is stark contrast to the angry nights filled with flashy-angry eyes and harsh words.

But yet, sacred are the days both set aside the pride and reconcile.

But there is also joy that brims over by the trials of despair. Struggles that seemed to be impossible, through time (and a lot of God action) become a memory that brought on the growth of today.

The exhausted marathon runner, turning the corner and seeing the finish line for the first time. The joy of crossing that marker despite all the exhaustion and pain running through their veins.

Or you could be like me, and throw huge pity parties because the to-do list is too high and the "I wants" are not feasible or allowable...

they are pretty epic

Rather, instead of constantly battling between the mind game of "cup half full or cup half empty?"

Which can make you want to scream and just say 

"ITS A CUP! WITH WATER IN IT! OK!"

I'd rather take the moments of despair and pair it with the reality that there are times of joy. Realizing that this world is crazy, upside down most of the time, and constantly clouded with the driving force of greed, fame, and power.

Thank goodness for God's peace and constant hand, in which permeates everywhere, and does not have to be separated by the concept of time. It withstands all time.

I am reminded that God's mercies are new every-morning.
But honestly, ever feel like you abuse God's mercies? I pray in bed every morning, and sometimes I wonder if God ever gets tired of me praying and confessing the same things over and over and over again. The battle feels exhausting, and I get tired of feeling like I am messing everything up. I understand that this is when we rely on God's strength, and not our own, but I cant even seem to be able to manage that half of the time.

I feel like a converted heathen who's trying to figure out how to act properly now. I'm just tired of rule books. I'm setting aside the self help books for now and just going to go write a paper for an English class. 

21 Things that Irritate Dani

I get irritated with the things that irritate me, especially when I feel like they are things I'm too embarrassed to confess irritation about. So instead of sitting here in my bed relishing the irritation running through my veins, I am going to see how many times I can express irritation through a post that contains the word... irritation.

I know. I shall write about things that irritate me. This will make me forget about the current one.

1. People talking with their mouth full of food. Chew. Swallow. Speak. And in that order please.
2. People who consistently talk over you. Like your telling a story, and they don't even bother to listen long enough to realize your talking. Granted, most of my stories on the spot aren't too hot... but man.
3. Whenever turning signals are left on. Forever.
4. Being late. The longer I'm late, the higher the agitation rises. Until a certain point. anything after 30 min, I have to give up. I can not maintain a level of irritation above 30.
5. Feeling unprepared
6. Never having a night, or afternoon, to myself. No expectations. Nothing big to accomplish. Just me, my yoga pants, hoodie, and whatever the HECK I want to do. (I here these moments disappear with kids.)
7. Being embarrassed and put down by people your close to, in inappropriate moments. (examples: holiday gatherings, birthday parties)
8. My over bite. I feel like a gasping bugs bunny when I'm laughing.
9. Whenever my car makes a strange noise
10. When I can no longer find enough bobby pins to put in my hair
11. When it is too hot to snuggle up into bed with all my covers
12. Whenever my sister's cat Honey decides to howl into my ear, hour before my alarm goes off, because she's hungry.
13. I like those little bottom pieces of popcorn at the bottom of the popcorn bowl. If you love me, you will leave those for me.
14. I'm a closure freak. Its sad. In fact, I'm such a closure lover, that I end all conversations with valiant goodbyes. I tie everything up in nice bows and send them off with glowing farewells. I feel gypped if not returned. Though I am learning to cope. 
15. Warm milk
16. Cereal with too much milk
17. Socks in bed
18. People who complain about everything. I don't mind a little, but.... everything?
19. Having too much to do, with too little time.
20. Over thinking
21. Getting irritated with things you wish you were too cool to be irritated about. 

I will say however, I found this to be a precious moment of my night:

Dani: "Sometimes Reed, you don't act 11." 
Reed: "That's because I am all of 11. I am 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1! That means I can act like any one of those ages"

Brilliant little brother.

So there. I am 23, but I am all of 23. And this means, sometimes I can act like an irritated 15 year old once and a while.

I actually feel much better now!

I shall go Find my Grumpy Pants and Slither into them and Whine

So lets all pretend to be shocked here, as I confess: I've been busy.

My instant reaction to being "too busy!" is to go find my grumpy pants and slither into them and whine about the demands of life. I've been trying to organize the differences between venting, and complaining... because I do believe they are different. I try to just vent currently,and do my best to swallow the complaining... because good grief- I signed up for all of this!

I've noticed however, that there is a deep sense of fullness intertwined throughout life. God is everywhere, and always there. My relationships have much deeper meaning, where I live has purpose, what I do is... well an end to a means for the most part, but God is in that too.

One lovely blessing in my week, is that I help out with The Dock (an after school program that seeks to touch kids lives with the truth of God). I go in on Mondays. Pretty much, I hang out with a kids between the grades 6th-12th and get beat in every game I try to play.

I'm not even kidding. I can't even win a sticken game of Uno to save my life. I believe the kids team up against me as I frantically try to win. But I'm a pretty good looser, so it works out

I'm scheming up a defense to my loosing streak, and thinking of having a craft table. Because no one looses at crafts, and no way can I loose at a craft "I" invented. Its brilliant.

I also speak at "Talk Time", a lesson the kids have to listen to before "snack time"

  Which, is by the way, way more popular than talk time. No body denies the amazing-ness of food apparently

A few Mondays ago was my first time. I choose to share with the kids my struggles with forgiveness, and what the Bible says about forgiveness. I mean, when you read the verse that says "God will not forgive you, if you do not forgive others"... thats a pretty big deal! In fact, it stood out as a very, clear, and loud warning to my current circumstance.

So next Monday, I lead talk time again... and I have been rummaging around in my brain for a good topic, trying to go for what God wants me to share. I have great ideas that use art, I have other ideas that use... other things... but I just have this strong conviction to use things that are relevant- and what God has been speaking to me.

So I am currently outlining a talk about the word "Honor", and the story I have about this word, and what it means, what it looks like, and what God has to say about it, and bla bla bla. We shall see what happens. I'm thinking slide show... keep me on track... yeeaa

In the mean time, I have a test to finish up, a paper to write, coffee with grandma, and the Dock's Grand Opening to attend, and all the other things a weekend in Dani's life include.

I will add however, I am rather proud of my breakfast this morning. I, the woman who eats cake and ice-cream for breakfast...

Or like the other day, a can of Broccoli Cheese Chowder, finished off with an oreo before school.... and I am choosing to deny the chocolate chip breakfasts...

Had three bowls of Frosty Mini-Wheats! This is a step! I tried this thing called oatmeal a few weeks ago, but couldn't get over the gooey texture. It was not pleasant. But frosted wheaty things in some milk? I can handle.

So this box will last me a few days before my brain panics and becomes convinced it is stale. 

Am I the only person who freaks out over stale food? 

How American am I? 

That I freak out over food, thats not rotting, but stale... as in... flavor is a little less than desirable...

DO NOT even get me started with my phobia against mold. oh-my-goodness-sakes.

I don't have to be such a Goober

Today my manager at work asked me, "So whatsup?"

I replied with a defeated expression on my face, "Well, today I realized, that most of the time when I debate or argue I'm not always right, and that I'm generally too blinded or prideful to admit it... and that it's not about winning."  

She then decides this was a good time to give me a high five and pat me on the back and say, "Your growing up!"

Oh lovely.

I feel a little slow in this area, because I faintly recall people in my past pointing out this very thing. They would say, "it doesn't matter who's right" and "This isn't about winning"  It is also a good chance that their exasperated facial expressions were a sign of....well... exasperation. 

But I do vividly recall not listening to these things, and continue to organize who was right, and who was wrong. I would frantically and energetically claim my rights and wrongs like the end of some card game counting up the points so we can all apologize appropriately. 

For some crazy reason... 

people didn't seem to enjoy 

this version of "reconciliation".

So what changed? 

Well, I first blame God for opening my eyes to something I have been so blind to. And second, I thank Him as I marvel over how He has brought this someone into my life, who seems to naturally provide these learning moments. 

...and may God grant him the patience to endure my lessons...

When harsh words could have been thrown back into my face, or just a simple volume change would have revealed my ridiculousness, it was with held. 

Instead, I had to find out on my own... that two people can have two very valid points that don't exactly match up perfectly, and that I don't have to be such a goober about it. 

Realizing, that whenever I react strongly against something, it may mean I need to let go of something my firm grip has on lock down.

And also realize that underlining books at the age of 19, and later having your boyfriend read them, can come back and bite you in the butt. :)

I'm just going through a, "Wow I'm a pain" night, and I'm really exhausted by it. About an hour ago it all hit me like a train, and I turned into a zombie who inhaled an entire bag of popcorn, fed a couple hungry cats, and stared at her school planner and realized her lazy butt accomplished nothing on her list. My solution of course is it sit on my office floor (I have yet to use my actual desk...) and... do this.

I wish I had time to bake right now. That's all.

And a hug before bed. I guess I'll just go hug a cat, I have a couple to choose from.

Here goes another week.

Rambunctious reactions to Shooting Stars

This past weekend has been... amazing. It went by in a flash, between car rides and big family reunions, to little kids climbing my boyfriend like a jungle gym, getting my baby fix with a baby girl in my arms, picking up my new kitten, family grill-out, and finishing it all with star gazing to see my FIRST shooting star.

This excited me... a lot. I almost broke my nose

on my boyfriend's forehead due to my rambunctious

reaction to my first shooting star. I remember asking

him a couple times if it was a real a shooting star...

as if I managed to see a fake one or something...

I will say though, my family MAY be the only family I know where in which the woman take over the grill. I am embarrassed to confess I burnt the veggie skewers... but apparently not embarrassed enough to keep this fact off of my blog...

Because this weekend has been so amazing, I feel as if I am dragging myself into the week hoping I will somehow find the enthusiasm to do the list of "have to do's" that I once held so dear in my planner.

Thus today is the after glow with a bitter reality that homework did not complete itself on it's own. My little brother is having his first day of school in a new school today too, I am so curious how this went. (First time ever riding the bus to school, thats a big deal in 6th grade!)

I am also an official mother to TWO lovely cats. I called this my "independent girlfriend decision", of which my "independent boyfriend" agreed in that I have every right to have another cat... despite his allergies. (ok, so maybe the debate did not go quite as smoothly as I depicted, but he said yesterday was the last day he can tease me about it. Which, I don't believe)
She's a little spunk butt though, I believe Honey is a little terrified of this wee one. I'm at loss as to what to name her though.

Ok. So I am going to drag this smiling content woman back to her homework now.

This Bathroom

Today was the first morning spent in my new bathroom. I have it all to myself. I have a shower that only I wash within, I even have a toilet that... well no guarantees on that one.

Little sis has moved on.

It is odd however. This was the bathroom I used for 11 years before I moved out a few years ago. This was where I brushed my braces, lost my retainers, figured out make-up, battled with curls, and discovered washing your face before bed saves your skin from pimples.

I was a little slow on this one.

My mom kept telling me to wash my face more.

I wonder if I was just trying to stand for my independence

or I'm secretly incredibly strong willed.

Some of the best teenage angst-filled arguments between sisters were fought in this bathroom.

But on the flip side, this bathroom has endured the after effects of some of the saddest days in my life.

This was where I unpacked my things after I realized my dad died while I was frolicking around Mexico...

and this was the mirror I stared into blankly with a numb heart after I lost all the purity I tried to save.

Pretty much, this poor little bathroom endured my silent ways of dealing with all of those new regrets I collected like pokemon cards.

I actually never played Pokemon..

and I will be honest and also confess, I don't get it.

I mean... the rules. Or how you win. Or if you win...

So I'm back. To this bathroom. Same girl, new life in Christ. (Thank GOD)

This will be my last week before school begins! I am spending most of it working at the restaurant in a panic, hoarding the money I make in fear of not having enough.

I was reflecting and budgeting in bed this morning after devotions...

Because devotions in bed is the best thing ever.

Wake up, roll over, and read...

it's great.

I actually contemplated getting a lap desk so I can do EVEN MORE stuff in bed!

Like homework

EATING

comfortable laptop typing

drawing! Yeah, I'll draw more!

Card making

Planner organizing....

But then I realized I should pace my nerd-growth

and did not buy a lap desk.

Anyway... I became really disappointed in myself. Money was always been there for me, God has blessed me with a job where making extra dollars comes easly. I have been able to travel without asking for assistance, and kept the loans for school on the small-ish side over the years

But this year I really over-estimated my grants for school, and for the first time I am looking at the money that needs to be there, and realizing... it's not there like it used to be!

But here is today's whip-lash:

“Trust me, and don’t be afraid; for I am your Strength, Song, and Salvation” -Jesus Calling

Pretty much, I'm just going to be responsible and trust in God.

this will mean more sack lunches and less bagels at school...

no lap desk...

probably no more cute underwear shopping...

and I vow to ONLY get coffee at school if I have a mug for it (only a DOLLAR! for refills!)

Because I refuse to worry about this... much... and besides it's kind of fun. Ya know? Life requires a LOT MORE creativity when you don't throw money around, and I cherish creativity in all it's forms so very much

Blog Make-Over!

I just gave my blog a make-over, and now I'm exhausted. This is mostly in due to time of night than my blog's extreme make-over, and I'm a little bummed that I can't move the quote more towards the chicken's feet...

but I wash my hands of it! I will allow the un-movable quote to stay where it is... staying...

I have this suspicion, that my little sister Christy MAY love my cat more than I do.

This is all in consideration that she actually has a squeaky way of saying "Your so cute Cute CUTE!" and she calls me over whenever she catches my cat doing something cute or stupid.

So, when she moves to Lansing to stay at the dorms in Michigan State, I know she's going to struggle.

NOT because she misses her boyfriend.

Or the hours worth of homework and classes...

No.

She will miss my cat.

So I did the most logical, loving, big sister thing I could do.

I ordered from Etsy, a hand made stand-in Honey. :)

I will be the only sister living at home after this month, for the two baby sisters are moving out, leaving mom alone with her baby boy and I.

I have BIG dreams for this basement... which include an office and repainted walls. But time is slipping by quickly, and if I don't get on top of this "Paint the whole basement by myself" kick than... well I'll just have to live with ugly wood paneling.

Who need's to move out when you have your own basement?

And may I add... I am so excited to have my FIRST winter with a garage parking space!

I am officially a spoiled Michigander.

"Can I stick my finger in it!"

"The mixture of chocolate and butter scotch is absolutely delightful!" - I proclaim as I am creaming together my melting chocolate and butter scotch (with peanut butter! Peanut butter makes the American world go round, you just don't know it yet)

Consequently, in response to my adorations...

my little sister Christy does not join in and agree...

or ooo and ahh over my amazing baking skills...

I mean... ok... so maybe I was using the microwave...

its easier!

No. The little nerd looks up from her color-by-number project and says:

"Can I stick my finger in it!"

Oh my goodness.

Good news however! After much searching and rummaging around, I believe I have found the perfect birthday cake for the boyfriend. Chocolate with caramel! And the blog is titled "When Ninjas Cook"... so it has to be good. I hear making home made caramel is tricky however... so this will either be the best thing i've ever made or... the worst.

If all hell breaks loose in the kitchen, I could always go to the store and buy a cake mix from a box and put caramel in it somewhere and pretend I'm amazing...

... problem with this is that he's not the easiest guy to trick... so if it taste horrible he may just have to munch on crunchy chunky caramel.

Pretended to be Dead Asleep the Entire Time.

7:30 in the morning, and I am laying in bed contemplating the order in which I want to do things today. Not quite sure if I'm ready for it all to begin right now, so I'm sitting in my bed with my nerdy glasses on... blogging.

I'm just happy I found them. They have been missing for a while amiss all the books and journals that seem to gather on the side of my bed. I really need to find a better system. Dani needs the biggest night stand you got, because my skinny book shelf is not cutting it. Or maybe, I can just learn how to read only ONE book at a time, apposed to five or six. this may help as well....

When I was a little girl I once fell asleep on a Sunday night as the family watched Funniest Home Videos.

My dad thought this show was great.

Sunday nights were THEE nights at my house, let me tell you what. Mom would put us kiddos in our PJ's, and my dad would theatrically pop the popcorn in those air-popcorn makers. All of us would watch with big eyes and suppressed giggles.

I had this" AWESOME" hair cut...

I looked just like my mom.

Probably because, I had the same hair cut as my mom...

Luckily, I was only five at this time, and had plenty of time to grow this out before Kindergarden.

Once the biggest bowl of popcorn was made, it was all a matter of strategy to see how much popcorn one's little hands can gather before the bowl is empty

trying to pretend we weren't picking out the ones

smothered in melted butter...

that is, Karen noticed and yelled at you.

After all the popcorn scavenging , I fell asleep. But this was a light sleep. Which meant, I heard my mom and dad debating after the show finished, if they should wake me and tell me to go to bed with my sisters.

But my dad decided to just pick me up, walk me up the two tri-levels, place me in my bed, and gently tuck me in.

While I, pretended to be dead asleep the entire time.

I just wanted to see what would happen, and I got a free ride to bed out of it!

Kind of makes me wish I was still small enough to be carried like that. I have this firm theory that I actually weigh more than I look, so whenever I am carried for whatever reason, I always try to help the person out by holding some of my own weight with my arms. (Because dead weight is something else)

Plus, as much fun fake sleeping may be, I doubt I can pull that trick off again.

But this is also the great thing about being a dad. Dad's get the joy and pleasure of putting up with their fake-sleeping daughters, and make popcorn-popping look like the best thing in the world. They get to be as ridiculous as they want, because children know that if all-else fails, mom will be their voice of reason when dad takes the teasing too far.

Ok. Now that I had a full rambling session about being carried and fake sleeping, combined with all the hidden joys of popcorn making and the greatness of being a dad...

I believe I am ready to crawl out of bed now.

As if I've finally packed away my "then" and arrived in my "now"

I can not decide if I like Whip-cream or not.

I always eat it, whenever it is presented to me, but afterwards can not figure out if I regret it, or just mildly enjoyed it...

I mean... if I think about it... what could possibly be detestable in whip cream?

It may be too whippy for me... I dislike whip cream frosting... or anything with super fluffy texture.

Ok, so I formally conclude I do not like whip cream.

Unless its chocolate moose.

But that is only because it's heavier than whip cream.

So now I just have to find someone who will eat my whip cream from my coffee drinks, and my life will be temporarily complete.

It is raining outside, and I am content with that. I even cleaned my room, so I do not despise being in it right now. Generally I am a suck-it-up-and-smile kind of a girl, but if anyone wanted to know what's really going on inside: just asses bedroom. It will explain a lot.

I have been thinking a lot about temptation, and false confidence lately. When I was younger, I knew temptation was a real issue, but I under-estimated it's power and disguises, as well as the lies that come with it. Life got messy.

My situations and circumstances have changed dramatically, by the grace of God. I have talked about my past with a review mirror attitude, as if I've finally packed away my "then" and arrived in my "now".

In many aspects, this is very true. But I have been warned recently, to not fool myself into thinking I am above and beyond my temptations.

They may not come in the same packages, but temptations are still there. Everywhere. And I can not become over-confident and start believing "I go this"... because I really don't.

On another note, I discovered a new word!

Pretense: An attempt to make something that is not the case appear true. A false display of feelings, attitudes, or intentions.

I am just waiting for a chance to use it effectively, and when I do, I will be inwardly very excited.

(I may or may NOT have an obsession with cool words. I'm rather tempted to try to write a post using some of my current favorite words..... this may be brilliant or embarrassing for I am known to MISS USE the english language.

However, I believe I have officially over used the word "angst" and "connive", because they have lost their momentary charm.

I'll find new ones.

Do not worry)

Nightly Escapades with Unprepared Souls

So I am a nerd. I printed out my school schedule already, and basically mapped out my up coming year. I think I am going to spoil myself and have Fridays off.... that sounds lovely. (This may be a conniving plan so that I may frolic around with a favorite of mine.)

Which reminds me... College of Education Packet... I really need to pick that monster up. blagh.

My family and I have this up and coming road trip to good ol' Oklahoma tomorrow morning! My mom says we are leaving 3:00 in the morning, and when I told her I was planning on just staying up until 3:00 she looked at me like I was crazy. My logic is sound.

a) I still have to pack.

b) I have to pack after work, so this might... take a minute.

c) I don't have to drive first

d) I'll be tired, so I'll sleep for sure in the car!

So basically, I will have two hours in which I will need to find things to do to entertain myself until I leave. I'm rather creative in this department, and chances are I'll just end up eating random food. Maybe some yoga? Feed the cats... share my nightly escapades with unprepared souls...

I am also convinced that a road trip is a legit excuse to go visit the book store.

This is exciting news for me.

My friend once gave me a gift card to Barnes and Noble

and I was so geeked out,

it kind of scared her.

True story

Foot-loose-and-fancy-free?

I have noticed my silence in blog world. I have in fact, been busy and not busy all at the same time. It’s this beautiful balance between rest and need-to’s with want-to’s, sprinkled with a few love-to’s. I have very little to complain about, and I have been so blessed. I have this silly little smile on my face that I can’t seem to wipe off.

After my fun day filled with kids, small groups, baking cookies, watching classic movie, laughing, and even some YOGA (yea. Inflexible little me trying to make my limbs stretch. Quite fun), I was hit with this desire to have some steamed asparagus with Parmesan cheese. So I grabbed the frozen asparagus, heat up a little water, and went to business.

Only to have my little sister ask me a few minutes later….

“Why are you cooking green beans at 12:30 in the morning?”

“They are not green beans! I’m making asparagus!”

“No… I think they are green beans Dani.”

"sigh"

So disappointing.

When you crave and envision one thing, and end up with another because you fail to read the labels on bags… it can be rather disappointing. But I made due. I was initially craving my tuna salad I made earlier… but I believe my mother ate it.

I also had this great conversation with an older man who used to work for World Missions (or, something close to that name. The exact name slips me) and we had this talk about education being a huge focus, and that educators who are willing (and called) have opportunities to teach all around the world within missions.

And that is exciting to this little lady. I recall the calling to “become a certified teacher”, but beyond this, I know little as to where to go. All the talk about job availability being low in Michigan does not faze me; for I am not even positive God wants me to teach in Michigan. I’m not trying to sound foot-loose-and-fancy-free… but I am just excited. If I trust in God with a steadfast spirit, who knows where I will end up? I just want to be part of something bigger than my own needs, and I’m almost anxious to hear what God calls me to do next.

But in the mean time, I will try to remember to read labels better and enjoy the blessings God has given for today.

But… EEK!

Act of Kindness

So, my little kitty had her surgery.

THANK GOODNESS!

I will never have to suffer through another cat in heat again!!! I hope.

But I now.... have sympathy for her. I can tell she is in pain, for she spent most of the day hiding. Tonight she came out, and even tried to jump on my bed (before she realized, it hurt too much)

Naturally, I felt bad. So I made her a bed on the floor with a fleece blanket. I think she's quite in love with it actually, she hasn't moved from her spot.

At least, I feel like I did something to make her feel better. Not much, but something.

And that concludes Dani's act of kindness for the day.

The End.

Someone Broke my Mom.

I think my mom is broken.

I say this with care, for I am speaking of a woman who has lost a husband, so she knows sadness and brokeness... but this is the first time she's walked through this version of brokeness. And right when she thinks she's ok, another swing hits her. Hard.

Im not much of a hugger. In fact, I envy all you sweet things out there that jump at opportunities to wrap your loving arms around anyone in grief or conflict. I find hugs that I give out of duty, verses genuine desire (odd word choice?), are stiff and awkward. Thus, every day I think to myself, and say to God, "I don't think Im cut out for this job!!! This is requiring way more sympathy and soft edges then I have in supply!"

But today, sitting on her bed, watching my mom break and break and break into a puddle of lost sadness, I listened to the whole story. This including, details shes never shared before with anyone... and I realized... my mom knows. She knows I'm not the worlds biggest softy, and knows I'm not a very good hugger, but she trusts me anyway. Crazy.

Life sure is sobering sometimes, and I have so very much to learn.

But God has placed me in my mom's house at the age of 23 for a reason. Maybe it is so that my mom has a daughter who takes pleasure psychoanalyzing her situations all the while providing eloquent perspectives. Or maybe it is so her daughter can learn the art of shutting up and speaking up... appropriately. Or if we really want to day dream, maybe its so I can squeak out a few hugs.

Who we are at home, is who we truly are.

Doesn't this sentence ever reek of disappointment? Sometimes, my home, is a front row seat to Dani's Looney Town. (Or, Dani-Land, as it was called in the younger days)

Needless to say, I wish I was better at being a comforter.

I think I'm going to take lessons.

Ya know, like sign up and pay big bucks and read all the text books and write all the papers and wrap it all right up with a five page take home exam, pat myself on the back, check it off the list, and move forward.

Yea, because that works.

Extreme Couponing for Beginners!

Not trying to get all "behind the scenes of Dani's Blog" on you... but just yesterday I was proud that my parasite post had so many hits... apparently making a post titled "Is the world really ending tomorrow?" makes for a smashing hit on google the day before the "rapture"..... as in.... 133 more page reviews than parasites...

I suppose the end of the world is a little more concerning than parasites...

But now feel as if I should have created a better post... maybe with some creative dialogue between my brother and I... or some actual facts in the cookoo-bird who dubbed may 21st as the doomsday of this universe... or maybe even some pictures... or anything!

In good humor however, I decided I should play this game with google, and carefully pick my next subject title according to the current times... (by looking up google trends) and I am currently debating between "extreme couponing!" or "recent earthquakes" (I am assuming the concern over earthquakes is in consequence of the massive earthquake prediction for today...)

I never use coupons... I do not pick up Sunday papers as if they are a scavenger hunt for deals, nor do I subscribe to every store I enjoy and receive coupons strategically plopped right into my inbox. I am sure, some mathematician can explain to me in a logical manner on why I should use coupons, revealing all the pennies and dollars I would save in a year... and I wonder if this is a consequence of a soft life or lack of.... caring.

I don't mind paying full price...

But I do cut corners in other areas. For example, I only apply a full head of hair gail to my curly locks every 3 days. Also, my new trend is to only apply a full body of shower gel every few days. (Look it up, it is better for your skin. I do more of a spot cleaning... ya know... anyway...) I also feel as if I am saving water by not washing my jeans every time I wear them (though, this may be due to the fact they feel like tights right after the dryer) I also apply facial lotion to my foundation so it lasts longer!

....it suddenly hit me... that I live a very un-green life... and all my attempts to cut corners has everything to do with hygiene or cosmetics...

I think I'm going to go now and re-evaluate my entire existence.

and all this... deriving from extreme couponing... oh my.

"Is the world really ending tomorrow?"

I found this beyond funny.

We can check on the stats of our blogs, which is pretty crazy and cool (as well as addicting) I was just dinking around after my work out, where I was looking at the category "Search Keywords"

From what I gather, these are the keywords that were used in search engines, that brought someone to my blog. Here is one that I found:

"what do i take to get rid of parasites pills"

Bahaha! How disappointed that poor soul must have been when they found out I was actually talking about confessing your sins, not ridding your intestines of parasites... however that blog has the highest rating of page reviews as of yet... so maybe Im onto something here...

And how about this whole thing about Judgement Day tomorrow at precisely 6 pm? I've heard rumors about this, generally through work. But when my little brother came running in after school asking, "Is the world really ending tomorrow?" I began to really do my research... and I had to chuckle a bit.

It is rather odd however, to consult your little brother that it is unlikely this guy is correct, and that even if he is, it's still ok... apparently he still wants to live a little more, grow up, and experience life a bit before he's scooped away. Understandable. I am pretty sure if I was told I was going to die the next day at the age 14, I would be running to my friends crying about the wedding I would never have.... (wedding planning was a big deal in those days.)

Cokes with light ice and kids chocolate milks...

I am learning to pay attention to the deep sighs and heavy hearts.

I see them now as warnings.

Idealistically, I'd love to be able to just pause and ask my sad insides "what's wrong today?" and hear some voice tell me precisely the problem.

But I am realizing this can take days to figure out, if not weeks. To add to this, God does not seem to reveal these when I am doing much of nothing, but rather at the oddest moments, when Im in the middle of doing much of everything.

But I will confess,

last night, I literally sat in my bed, crossed my arms, glared up at God and said, "I am not sleeping until you free me from this horrible mood!"

I do not believe I really experienced FREEDOM that night, but I did experience sleep...

(Im not sure if that reveals a lack of stubbornness on my side, or I just missed the mark on my goal completely...)

However, it came to me, today as I was simultaneously filling up glasses of waters with lemon and cokes with light ice and kids chocolate milks, that I needed to forgive the people and the situations in my life.

NEED.

not SHOULD

or COULD

but need.

But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:15)

And so I did. Balancing rolls and drinks and shoving straws into my apron that needs to be cleaned, I chose to forgive.

Despite my attempts of boycotting my way into God's freedom...

This heavy sighing girl finally handed over her burden.

Cream Cheese-filled Cookies:

These cookies are quite tasty. After I posted, I decided to make these.

I also felt extra nice, and allowed my kitty to hang out with me as I baked these. This seemed like a marvelous idea... until I opened the oven...

In the corner of my eye, I noticed Honey running towards the oven in genuine curiosity. My first reaction was to yell at her to stay back...which I did... but then I realized... she can't hear me. Thus I panicked. How to warn a cat who can't hear the warning!?!?!

Thus, I clearly did the most logical thing I could think of:

Instantaneously throw the hot cookie sheet that I held in my hand up into the air

watch it bounce off of my arm

splattering half baked sugar cookies everywhere

and save the kitty from the oven.

So here I sit, feeding myself left over chocolate drizzle and watching this burn on my arm turn different shades of red.

I would call myself a hero, but in hindsight, I believe cats are smart enough to not jump into a hot oven.

Opposed to their owners, who are apparently not smart enough to avoid burning themselves with the oven...

So now I just feel silly.

Another yet example, on how much I love my cat.

This has to be Love

Life really has a way of swirling around us, giving and taking, slowly yet quickly changing. There is this super popular song... which I fail to remember the name... but one of the lyrics says "You give and take away, but I will choose to say, blessed be your name" (Hmm, maybe its called "Blessed Be your Name"....) That line always stuck out. It really make me feel so... mortal...

A complete shift of thoughts (due to sleepiness I am sure)

Look at this little kitties face! I don't care if you hate cats!

Her name is Honey. My mom scooped her off her ex-boyfriend's farm, to later discover she is deaf. I made sure to make my mom into a hero, to save a vulnerable animal. It worked. :)

I love her, quite a lot. I believe God gave me this kitty to help soften this heart of mine. She is cute, and so cuddly, and can make me laugh and say silly things like "your cute cute cute cute!" into her ears as she's sleeping... obliviously... because she can't hear a THING.

But because she's deaf, she has no idea just how loud her meow really is. So there are those moments, when I will find her quite literally howling in the kitchen, deciding that this is the best way to have her humans come find her. She will continue to do this until she sees you, and at this point she resorts to purring and barking and meowing simultaneously as she runs over with her make-up-brush in her mouth.

I mean, this has to be love. How else would I be able to put up with her obsession with trying to hide her food when she has left overs? Or how she loves to play with her toys ON my bed around 5 o'clock in the morning? All the times I have to scoop her our of the toilet bowl, or freaking out when I heard her cry at the vet's office? goodness. I'm pathetic...

My main concern however, is that she is pregnant. I doubt she is spayed, and I have her appointment in about two weeks from now... and I am waiting for her to go into heat... otherwise... my little kitty will become a family of little kitties...

Alas, my blog. I have been slacking lately. Just needed a little inspiration. I promise to not only write about Honey.....

Somebody's Somebody

I'm tired of morphing

into the somebody,

somebody expects me to be.

So many versions of me

I've created over

these years.

Some wanted innocent,

and wholesome,

others wanted freak

and naughty.

Some wanted pure,

others wanted it all.

Independently

confident

funny easy-going

laid back...

receiving my assignments

from somebody

somebody expects me to be.

But now the parade is over

and the crowds are gone,

I'm left here wondering...

Who was I

all along?

Some Alternative Universe

I've been sick.

The kind of sickness that makes you feel like your bones are boycotting your body, for everything just aches.

The exhausted sore eyes.

Sore throat.

Never ending goosebumps.

Yesterday was dreadful, and today I feel a little more functional. So don't pity me too much here.

I have contemplated long underwear for the first time in my life however (layering my yoga pants under my jeans did well enough for today. Kept the chills away at least) since there is little need to be sexy currently, I might just pull that off.

I was thinking they could duo for pajama's or something!

I mean, that could be charming... right?

I thought this was crazy, driving home from school in the evening through a fog. I felt as if I walked into some alternative universe (following a riveting class of peer reviews on papers, only to realize: my thesis does not fit my paper. How does an English major pull that kind of crap off? Easy fix though: fix the thesis so it fits the paper.)

I firmly believe that as you grow up, you realize life is a lot like this fog. You only see so far ahead of you. I used to be the queen of "painted futures". All that white space was just blooming with my version of my future and the direction of my life.

Needless to say, I'm retired from that right now. I'm not sure if part of that is an aspect of my personality, and if I'll catch myself doing it again... but for now I just throw my hands in the air and say "whatever".

So... whatever.

Unique and Beautiful.

Well thanks to the one's out there who made me feel a little bit extra special today.

I really just assumed it would be any other day, I was a little surprised.

However in my shame... I did not prepare much for today... I feel horrible because I feel like I fail people in this area often. (Area called: gift giving)

It's not a talent of mine, or I am lazy and seriously need to get better at these things.... debating as to which one it is. I mean.... I DID last night make some valentines for my 4th grade girls, as shown in the picture... but that's because I just know little

kids go all out for valentines.

(Heart origami's by the way... with pockets... probably the best thing ever. I MAY over use it, but it works so well for practically anything!!)

Yesterday, was a good morning for me. Church was exactly what I needed to remind me the differences between calling and driven, and recognizing:

where in life am I "driven"? Where am I pushing and pushing for MY end

result and MY agenda and what I think I need to accomplish? And what is it, that I need to surrender?

For I know that I am:

Called to teach children

Called to love my family

and called to chill out from the fellows for a bit.

All of which are FINE, as long as I am not pushing myself to the point of stressing out over homework (to get certified), or trying so hard to fix things at home that I am going on overkill, or freak out over everything concerning the later.

But honestly, life is beautiful.

Unique and beautiful.

Breath, Relax, and Take a Bath.

How great would it be, if life had an ice scream scooper. One that you could just scoop out pockets of time and just fester in them until your satisfied. (Not saying I FESTER in my ice-cream, not entirely sure what that would look like)

Because, in reality, THIS is what I end up doing with my real life time:

This, is my American Literature text book.

This was what I was supposed to be reading before I went to work tonight.

But this is what I did instead.

So as most may already know, I am an 23 year old who lives with her mom and goes to college in dreams of being a teacher when she grows up.

And while I am so thankful that I have a mom who lets me save money so I can actually afford college, it has become increasingly evident that I am becoming a pain in the butt to deal with.

Because... well I'll just be frank about it.

I am acting like I own the house.

I desperately believe this is coming from a desire to HAVE my own place, because well... I am 23 years old after all. 100 years ago I'd probably have 3 kids by now and be queen of the home for all I know. (or at least ruler of the kitchen)

But since I have yet to settle down and devote a lifetime with a man,

or have a child,

or stinken graduate from college already,

this is where I am.

So if my mom is reading this,

I am sorry for being such a pain,

but thanks for putting up with this

highly opinionated woman in your home.

Random Advice of the Moment:

For all the days you just don't feel awake enough, your stomach is giving you grief, your head is throbbing, or you just cant get your spirits up, constantly running around, or failing to accomplish anything productive, do yourself a favor and take a bath.

It truly makes the world of difference.

I ALMOST forgot about that 7 page paper that's waiting for me

Or the 40 pages I have to read

Or the lesson plan I must create

Or the other paper I need to finish

Or writing about the top 15 most important facts in American History...

Because I would know all about that...

I almost forgot all about it.

So breath, relax, and take a bath.

A Heart is Hard to Break That Way

I am so tired, I could just fall asleep.

But my goal, for these pictures, must be met.

SO, on my drive home....I took this picture.

This was after a riveting night of cheesy bread, brisk tea, and a movie with my lovely friend. Funny thing is, as we were driving to go out and have a few drinks, we both confessed that we were much too tired.

I confessed I wanted cheesy bread

And I wish that tea lasted longer.

But I love my friend. I am very happy I got to spend time in her cute little apartment.

Observation of the day:

Since I am on a "MUST BE SINGLE FOR NOW" kick, I'm... well single, intentionally. Not saying I have a LINE of men standing at my door waiting for his turn, just saying I'm trying to take a chill pill.

But I noticed that with my friend who is not single, I can still do boy talk.

Without getting whiney

Overly cynical,

or any of that.

And in my sleepy tired state, I found that interesting.

Just goes to show the benefits of having walls.

A heart is hard to break that way.

I think that was sarcasm.

I'll let you know in the morning

.

Enjoy the snow all you Michigan people.