I wasn't this Big Monster Running Around, Spilling Bitterness into Everyone's Coffee Cups.

I stumbled across my old blog the other day. Anyone remember xanga? The place where teenagers poured out their hearts to this unprepared world? Yes. Xanga.


At first it became a goofy scavenger hunt, where I tried to find little things I could laugh at. Stories about Reed when he was little, moments I recorded with friends. But walking down the roads of your past should come with much brighter warning labels. 


Because, I recognized this girl. 


I was reading about a girl, who was going through some hard times, who slapped on the "I'm fine" face and marched through this world like it owed me something.


I had no idea, that the worse was yet to come. And the pain was yet to double.


Because choices, have consequences. Good and bad.


But despite my harsh criticism of the old Dani, 
I'm still Dani. 
New or old. 
It MAY be possible that  my inner world is a little eccentric, and that it fools myself to believe that what I think, feel and believe is of utmost importance.


I tend to hold the trivial things too tightly, and the heavy matters too loosely.


Honestly however, I relate to that silly girl. Sometimes I get rather tired of dividing my life up into "Old Dani" and "New Dani", as if my life consisted of some Great Berlin Wall that has been "officially broken down" I find myself getting defensive of her, not necessarily trying to defend what she did or say, but to make everyone know that I wasn't this big monster running around, spilling bitterness into everyone's coffee cups. 


It is as if I go back into the pages of time, and want to grab that younger woman and tell her "it's ok. You ARE lovable... your just being a butt head right now, but your worth it. Just get real with yourself"


So when I read this recently in my devotions, it really has stuck with me; as a huge, loving reminder from God:


"We construct walls over which no one can climb because the cost of friendship is too high. We fill the windows of our soul with emotional excuses in order to avoid dealing with pain. The result is darkness, loneliness and missed opportunities for restoration. We don’t want to understand depression or find the treasures of that darkness; we simply want to be rid of it. Many people try to understand and deal with depression on a surface level – refusing to face painful experiences, difficult relationships and, in general, the broken places where darkness lives. We look for the nearest exit, hoping to bypass transparency because the price is just too much to pay. Emotional integrity is an essential step to recognizing, understanding and dealing with depression. We must be real before we can be right, and until we are willing to risk being transparent, we can neither understand nor effectively deal with depression during the holidays or any other time of the year."  - Mary Southerland   


It reminds me so very much of my journey. It is not where I am, but it is where I have been. 


So ok, MAYBE there was a huge wall that was crumbled over, by the sheer power of God. And ok, POSSIBLY God can use the testimony of "Dani the Dramatic One" for His glory somehow. (I feel like I am laying the melodrama on real thick today by the way) 


I suppose in a very strange way, my whole point in all of this, was to say: 
I'm still kind of a stubborn, feisty, eccentric, smiley, butt head ya know.