I've had it all wrong

"You are Mine"

Enter the Worship Circle

Maybe I don't have the strength                          

Maybe I don't have the faith  

You brought me here in 40 years     

I know this trip should take a week  

I've shed my tears and shed my blood 

Been held ransom by the flood 

The winter steals my songs away 

In all of this I come undone  

When you walk through the water 

I will be with you     

When you pass through the river the waves will not over take you  

When you walk on the fire the flames they will not touch you  

You are mine, you are mine, you are mine  

I've been a child I've been a slave 

I've grown bitter and learned to pray 

Packed my bags and started back 

The cost was just too high to pay

Little things accumlate into a big big thing

I have a wonderful wonderful friend. We have traveled this journey called life together for years now together, and I love talking with her and know that I am not alone in my questions.
What am I doing with my life? Am I living according to God's plan, or my own?

And its just awesome to have someone to talk about all the silly things girls talk about too!

Something from our last conversation has not left me however.
It's this question: What is more important... having your own family... or seeking out justice in the world?
This is mainly coming from what I will call, the pressure to live the "American Dream", the cycle that really does not leave much room for much else then it entails. the "Get married! Make me grandkids! Get a good job!" The stereo type.

But I kept going back to this. And so here I am. I will now share with you my answer. (haha another one of my rants)

....the poor. Isn't this all they really want? To be able to have their family? To be able to feed them? Give them shelter? How about the refugee camps across the world, isn't this what they miss? Isn't the absence of their family, their children, their brother's and sister's, something they crave to reunite? All of the innocent people persecuted and oppressed, wouldn't they fight for the chance to have their own family to be healthy and educated?

And so we should care, of course. God calls us to care for these issues, for the injustice.

But does that mean, that having your own child isn't as important? does this mean that raising your own child with all the love and care is not as important as traveling the world and serving others?
No.
Both are important.
I do not believe that one is more important then the other, or that you have to do one and not the other.
You can do both.
God is JUST that awesome.

I don't care what people say, all you moms out there are amazing. You are the most selfless, patient, little lovers out there. All those sleepless nights, all the stinky diapers, all the fussy moments as they whine about their teeth growing, all the scraped knees, bad attitudes, temper tantrums, feeding schedules, homework, rebellious moments... you love your children in ways you never thought possible. God called you to be a mom, and you are. Your not perfect, but you love.

I believe, that with this love, God shows you how to love all those unloved babies. With that love, you hear, and understand, the pains and tears of a mother who lost her child because she could not feed her babies. You will want justice.

It's not the big things that change the world. It's the pile of many many little things. God is not calling one person to be the hot shot and run the whole show, but calls all of us to make brave little steps to care as He does. God knits together all the little threads of life in order to make a whole.

Some may have a child, some may not.
Some may marry, some may remain single.
Some may travel the globe, learn about new cultures and offer their love.
Some may stay within their community and help the broken in their own neighborhood.
Some may make money to support the others who do a job that pays nothing, but does everything.
Some may be persecuted while other's are not.

No matter what part of the body you are in, it is important. Love God with all your heart, soul, and mind. Love your children, siblings, parents, friends, coworkers, enemies and strangers with all your heart, soul, and mind. And with all of this, hear the cry of the oppressed. God will show you what to do from there.

May the pieces, and fragments, of your life,
Consisting of seemingly small things,
be pieced together by God,
so that until your last breath,
you give Him glory.

Ok thats all!

bye!

Where the heck is my "Cool Down" button!?

I thought I’d write when im not in some dramatic “woe is me” mood. I really should be reading my stuff for British Litt… but I am quite done inputting more information then desired.

So I woke up this morning, to my friend Kara calling me. She had to cancel our lunch today because she forgot she had to work. She instead wanted to hang out tonight, but I, in my haze, said “No I need to write a paper”. So I am now to see her Wednesday. A really boring, long story, just to tell you I slept in this morning.

So I decided I would work out, because I really do want to, I promise. But if my life were like my SIMS 3 game, I would totally click “Work out without breaking a sweat” button. But since there is no such button that I have found… yet… I hesitate to work out because I have to calculate shower time afterwards.

But today I did go, and I plopped my little butt onto a bike, and peddled my way up imaginary hills for 20 minutes. Nothing too intense. Then I thought, this isn’t enough, so I’ll go run for another 20 minutes.

And wow. It took everything to stay on that blasted treadmill. Every part of me just did not feel like doing it anymore. It wasn’t so much pain or cramps, just… “Uhg, I don’t like this. Eww… sweat… ehhh… why am I here!? Oh yeah, 20 minute run. Wait.. it’s only been 3 minutes? Crap. Maybe I should cut it in half, like 10 min…. ewww sweat… im tired at looking at the same thing out the window… am I running with good form? Do I really care? Uhg…sweat”

And I don’t know… I believe it was around…. 15 minutes when I was battling pushing the “Cool Down” button. (Random side thought: how cool would it be to have some teal colored “Cool Down” button in real life on people? Wonder if you could just walk around and just push people’s “Cool Down” buttons? It’d be our way of making this world a friendlier place I think.) When I thought to myself: no. I’m not a quitter (haha well sorta). This sucks, I’m tired, but I can do 5 more minutes.

Did I mention imaginary hills? I apparently love that “Hill” button. It’s like, hmmm… “Manual” (aka- smooth sailing) or “Hill” (Aka- opposite of smooth sailing.) and I always push Hill. I heard once its good to keep your body surprised. I doubt they said it that way, but thats how I translated it. So Hills I do.

But hey! I did it! I was the most grateful girl to step of that treadmill today.

I also cut my own hair today. Just the stuff by my face. I think girls with straight hair call them bangs… with me and this stuff called curly hair I call it… curly… stuff? I lied. I don’t have a name for it. But I did, I cut my own “curly stuff bangs”. They look fine. Its curly hair. All it does is make cute little curls, nothing too traumatic. My hair stylist might wonder where they came from though.

I also wrote a kick butt paper today, on Victorian Art. There is actually no such thing, I lead you astray. It’s actually Art in the Victorian Era, because there were so many different shifts and ideas and movements in that 60 year time frame, Romanticism, Impressionism, neo classicism, Symbolism, Realism… ect. Post impressionism! So yeah. Its nice when you pick a topic that you know you can write 10 pages easly on. I cut it down to 5

But seriously… how awesome would “Cool Down” buttons be??

I am who I am

I'm really not much of a poet. my poetry does not have a level of maturity that is "oh! so! great!".

When I was 11 I was perceived to be an aspiring poet, but I guess I never really strived to perfect the skills much. Thankfully I will spare you the "and my heart broke in two as I walked away from you!" stuff. That was more like, 14 and 15. Good stuff! a lot of emotion to push out in those days ya know! goodness... I sometimes miss those days. Back when I threw sabers around and dreamt about the future....

Anyway

My poem.

I wrote this for another writing class. I was not going to post it, but then I re-read it today, and it had this all new relevancy that just wasn't there before. God bless, don't forget... God's blessings are everywhere. It is easy to forget.

I am who I am

I am not some robot
manufactured to perform,
programmed before bed
with list's and suggestions
for reform.

I've read the books designed to
self improve,
highlighted, they sit on shelves
that never move.

I've battled the war against
they will,
scars etched in my armor,
limbs missing for the sake
of honor

I may not control the winds
of life,
or expect the
rain to fall, or have knowledge
on how the sun can change it all.

But please, you may have your
user manual, and your list of to do's.
I know these lists all to well,
of ways to self improve.

I am who I am,
manufactured in mysterious ways.
I am an adventure to be discovered,
in my own creative way.

Unscrew my bolts, unplug my charger,
I no longer wish to be a bother,

Because I am who I am,
and content I will be,
for now I see
all of the possibilities
that lay before me.

Sometimes I just feel like... who I am... is too much. As if a part of me is frantically groping around for balance. Sometimes, I really wish i could go back to being 15 again. At least I could blame that part of me on hormones, braces, bad hair, or something.