It’s not fair. It’s grace.

I read that today in my little book/devotional thing I do.

I love before and after things.

If it’s not the beginning of a painting, to the last brush stroke, it is also the “before we redecorated the kitchen” to the now.

I always wanted my gift of grace to be like that. “Dani before God’s grace.” To a: “Wow, Dani after receiving God’s grace” and in many, many ways, there are differences. But as you can imagine my disappointment when I realize (time and time again) that I still royally mess up, and once again, I have to receive even more grace. (And don’t even get me started on all the areas I need God’s grace in that I am either ignorant of, or ignore. Pride is a little pain in everyone's behind)

The example was given, was the murderer who died on the cross next to Jesus. How he called out for God’s forgiveness, and it was given as they were dying on the crosses. He was dying, he had no time to do extra “good things” to “deserve” God’s grace. And in so many ways, he did not deserve it. He murdered someone! He STOLE life, crushed life out of someone on earth. He killed someone’s child, maybe someone’s parent…and to receive God’s grace? That seems unfair… but God gave it.

And then we are called to forgive, as God has forgiven us.....

Now totally switching to another note:

(Hey, at least Im warning you)

Today has been a lovely day off.

Work has been really busy and just been kicking me in the pants, but worth it in many ways.

Today I walked into the downtown ministry outreach for the homeless a few minutes late, to a relieved Ryan and Anna “YOU MADE IT! OH GOOD!”

I suppose today was a day that volunteers chosen to not show up. This whole experience with Degagae ministries has shown me the power of volunteers, as well as the necessity for them to stick to their commitments TO volunteer.

It is so tempting to lax off on days your too tired, or “forget”, and not feel too bad about it because you’re not “getting paid” for it. But it really affects so many things, especially for an organization that RELIES on 30 volunteers a day to function. (I will be honest, over Thanksgiving Break I forgot, and offered to work on the day I normally volunteer. So, I have fallen pray to this as well)

I am a little nervous, because I am switching from afternoons to mornings next week (As in, 8:30 AM.) and ever since college, I do not do mornings too well. (As in, my 10:00 AM class felt way too early) But, time to learn. Bedtime will be… midnight now. Yeah. That sound’s good.

Plus a had a lovely coffee chat with an old friend.

and currently seeking clarity in a lot of things.

Clarity is on its way, if not already present, so this is good.

And, the good news is:

Grace Is not fair.

Because if it was?

None of us would earn it.

Haha, how's that for a random update?

ENG 307 Project

My final project for my teaching writing project.

I am a string of private scandals.

I wish I knew what it is about this time of year. Why, once Christmas season comes, shit hits the Christmas caroling fan. A season of missile toe and fluffy snow flakes, for me seems to be a time filled with conflict, rash decisions, heart breaking emotions, and failed expectations. Presents are given with hollow hearts and cold arms, and I do not know where the “merry” in Christmas went.

I will tear a man apart before his very eyes. I can do it in such a way that he, sometimes, does not hate me. I kill with a loving glimmer in my eye, and make light of the dire situation with a folly laugh. I hold their broken pieces in my hands, and dust them off like a spring cleaning project. And if I am good, I will make him feel like it is all his fault, and that I just handled him wrong.

That is my sin.

I am not having a good time.

Oh the brokenness we create. I slightly envy people who figured out how to get to marriage. It is not an envy rooted in "my life will be so much better with a husband!", its more of a shocking admiration of two people who, despite their differences, were able to not let themselves get in the way of committing life together.

Really, that is a stick-en miracle.

Happy marriages are miracles and blessings.

It is kind of like God's grace. It makes your mouth hang open and say, "Who... me? you choose.... me? you did that.... for me? Have you looked at my heart recently? Its messed up pretty bad!"

Despite it all, I do believe I did the right thing for the moment. Despite my temper tantrums. Despite my pity parties, and my desperation to have a neat little bow completed with perfectly creased paper around a situation that is called, "Failed Expectations", I know I only tried to be honest with myself and to everyone else the entire time.

Thats all I got. night.

All around me

"Give me eyes to see Lord"

I have a lot of... lets call them, "moments"
Especially this past month.
These include, but not exclude:
crying over a research paper because it was 12:30 in the morning (7 hours of writing was apparently my limit.)
Or my dramatic ways of dreading finals week,
and those odd moments I gratefully go to bed so I can curl up and not do nothing.

Today, are the last class moments.
Realizing I am actually going to miss my educational psychology class: I learned so much.
The rush of freedom mixed with the promise of finals.
Grateful for a boyfriend who stayed up till 3:00 am to help me complete my 8 page paper,
and also equally grateful for my sugar cookie-hazelnut vanilla coffee mix (which tastes as strange as it sounds. One ran out so I did a combo deal... woke me up!)

But as I was waiting for my chicken sandwich for lunch, I was suddenly hit with the realization:

I am content.

This is not due to some personal accomplishment, (besides completing that blasted paper)
nor saying that I suddenly improved as a person from last week to now. (Hahahahahahaha....ha..ha)
It was, (and to all of you who already mastered this in life, congrats) the ability to stand up, breath, and say "all is well".

With all the complexities, all the psychologically analyzed and diagnosed issues in life, it is possible to breath and be OK.

Sure, I (and you) come with bad and good parts. The angry and ecstatic moments, the trusting and doubtful moments, the deceitful and truthful moments, the careless and the compassionate. Those moments I act like a child with a force that can't be reckoned with, and the strength to be humble enough to acknowledge it.

Its the whole me, that God's grace covers. Not the parts I think deserve it, or the areas I see fit for it. With God's grace I have hope, and strength.

I'm just happy God listens to the prayers

of a sleepy eyed college girl driving

to school in her mini-red car.

Sloppy Shoe Laces

I’m cold.

It is day two of fluffy light snow flakes.

I’m following the crowds people that are spilling out of the buildings. Classes finished, and we are all briskly walking towards the next. As I joined the crowds, I noticed a flip-flop-slapping sound of untied shoe laces.

My shoes are untied.

Instead of pealing away from the herd, I decided to keep walking. I tried to remember all of the reaons why adults scolded us as kids for not tying our shoes. I concluded, it must be the increasing chance of tripping over your own feet.

So I decided, I will keep an eye on these shoe laces. I stared at them as I walked in such a way to make a predictable rhythm with a slap against the shoe, and a slushy flop into the murky pavement. I focussed on these shoe laces like I was waiting for something bad to happen. I began to wonder, what if I did trip on these shoe laces?

Human pile up. That’s what would happen.

I continued like this for a while, until I noticed a snow covered bench and decided to peal myself from the stampede of students, and fix the soggy shoe laces into a bow….

…and then wondered why I didn’t do that 8 minutes earlier?

How many things do we miss when we focus on the sloppy shoe laces? How easy is it, to just follow the crowds of people and just learn how to walk with them so your hinderances are controlled?

Made me wonder what takes up all my time, and energies, and brain capacities, and how better served that time could be if I just stopped and tie those damn shoe laces.

In other words, in our attempts to void from tripping over our own feet, what are we missing out on?