Pieces of Mom

I sat there during class, writing with a pen that I have watched my own mother write with so many times.

Papermate has this standard pen that I swear has not changed in the past 20 years...

All of those homeschool days...

Scribble down school planners

Write down notes from a phone conversation

Make those absent-minded big fluffy stars she always made in paper when talking on the phone for a while

Fill in the calendar with meetings, play-dates, and meal plans...

My hand... will become my mother's hand (though maybe with slightly longer finger nails)

Will I become my mother? Is that something that happens to all daughters, inevitably?

How much of my mother, will always be with me?

In many ways I never like to wonder about this, because I want to feel like I am my own person.

I am DANI FAITH

not Mary.

But... if I have parts of my mother in me, and they are not bad parts, then I should carry them with pride.

For this way, I will always carry a piece of home with me, everywhere.

This little piece of home I have, I can give away to others.

Someday I will be mom. (not anytime too soon. noooot quite ready for that. No intense baby bug :)

Maybe, I am mom
so I can be mom
to those who need mom.

Tired of Motions

Speaking into this blog feels like I am whispering into the ears of my past. There is so much of me in this blog. It feel's a little eerie.

Course, my husband says I tend to make more sense when I write. Every-time I hear that, I get this image of some dramatic fight in our tiny little apartment, where I am getting upset because I do not feel like I am understood,

generally because verbally processing an argument spontaniously on the spot... 

generally does not lead to concise statements...

... thus I am resorted to frantically typing out everything I want to say. 

But I know Dani.

I might sit there and type, but I will stop to say whatever it is that I think I need to say... or throw out 10 questions... rhetorical... or not.

Anyway...

I'm tired of motions. 

I am rather sick of feeling like I spent a day, not really feeling anything deeply. Being some robot who is acting out pre-programmed actions. I keep telling myself "this is just for now. Until I get done with this semester" 

I'll feel... again over christmas break.

"It is just this crazy month"

Next month will be... better.

"I just over booked this week"

Because next week will be... slower.

"I'm just tired today"

So I will go to sleep... on time? What's that!?

Thus, my conclusion: It doesn't get flippen better. 

That thing, whatever is, if you ever get it, it will then just become normal, and then you will look for something else. It doesn't really end.

I feel like I need to summarize this into some awesome conclusion that will bring everything into awesome perspective, and everyone can take this little golden nugget into their lives and plant it into their hearts and watch a whole new life blossom before their eyes and have me to thank for this ridiculously long run-on-sentence...

So here, I'll try for you.

Stop. Just. Stop. Think about what is going on, what are you doing? 

The other day, during the church plant meeting, the question was asked: what were your God sighting's this past week?

 I frantically sat there in my chair trying to see if anything stuck out, and since nothing was sticking out, try to see if I can dig one out... and realized I had nothing.

Nothing? Really? I went 7 days not seeing God anywhere in my days? What am I doing?! 

School (reading 3 books a week is fun until after 12 weeks), keeping the house clean (never ending war), trying to be an awesome cook (smoke dectors went off with that one...), and whatever else I am signed up for that day.

So I suppose, this is my nugget: slow down and get over yourself enough to see God in this world. Because I feel like I am missing the boat in this one.

Pray this Couch In....

I really dreamed of being those super chilled out brides, you know the kind that never need a vent session, and whatever is great and wherever is marvelous... however I have found this past week that everything feels a little intense.

I also dreamed off this thing called a free couch, and refused any thoughts or comments that hinted towards "I do not think we can fit a couch through the doors into this apartment"...

This happened last time I moved out... I bought this couch with no regards as to HOW to get the couch into the second story (home) apartment. Basically... we had to bring it through the window...

I had full faith it would work. In fact I measured out the dimensions and did my utmost best to convince my fiance this will work, borrowed my mom's Yukon, drove it around Grand Rapids, and made my fiance and his friend bring it up the stairs....

Only to spend 25 min trying to get it to move from the small tiny hallway entrance into the kitchen, where my imagination envisioned it moving through the kitchen into the living room.

At one point I even wondered, if I could pray this couch into the apartment.

It did not fit. So we had to bring it back to the Yukon, call a couple thrift stores, and graciously a Bible Thrift Store .2 miles down the road (unusually) had extra help later that night, and allowed us to bring it right over after store hours.

I then proceeded to organize all of Kiel's junk tubs, going through what is trash and what is not (in a very speedy practical manner). Turns out, un-earthing your fiances entire life (which impressively fits into two plastic tubs) is a gentle issue.... not quick and practical.

I also wish the bridal shower I am planning for this weekend could evolve itself..... or that people would RSVP so I knew who was actually coming.... *sigh*

I know blogs should not be used as venting places. I also know that couches are not a huge deal... we shall find one. Probably a futon. I also realize that I am blessed beyond measure, and if I could stop focusing on the couch that did not fit and ill-timed organization moments, I can see it all clearly.

Good news, I did give Kiel my purple sheets for his bed, because he was lacking some good sheets. Even donated one of my fluffy pillows to the cause. He jokes that when he marries me, his bed will be all supped up. I come with a box spring, down comforter, pillow top for the mattress.... he will sleep like a chum.

Foreigner

It all feels foreign now. I suddenly find myself giving my tables silly play-by-plays, as if every-time I leave the table, they must know why.

"I'll get that going in just a moment!"

"Let me grab these plates!" that are right at the edge of the table


"Whenever your ready, any time, I can pick this check up for you, so here it is right here, whenever you are ready. I will now go get some water! ok!"

Generally they look at me and blink... because they probably can not hear a word I am saying, mostly because it is so much louder then my old restaurant.

I'm not accustomed to not knowing what to do, or not knowing the general expectations. Thus on average I wander around with a baffled expression on my face until someone finds me and points out the obvious: "you look confused"


I am thankful. This transition was much needed, and in time I will get comfortable. It is just silly how new things make you nervous, how much we fear not knowing things, and how in reality it will all be ok.

And so as I walked to my car, late at night I noticed a little note tucked into my car door for "Curly Sue", proclaiming charming and enduring love.

I was (and am) very thankful for a thoughtful man in my life, and I can't forget to remind him of that.

Just Saying!

 “The mouth speaks the things that are in the heart. Good people have good things in their hearts, and so they say good things. But evil people have evil in their hearts, so they say evil things” (Matthew 12:34-35, NCV)


When I begin to picture my words as a mirror image of my heart, the room suddenly gets a little bit uncomfortable. I quickly want to think of all my redeeming qualities..... all of the words I say that reflect goodness! It's as if want to deny that deep down I have a critical, prideful heart.


I've always laughed at this phrase: "Just saying!" 


Whenever someone says this phrase, it is normally uttered with a certain intonation and octave that resembles a snotty, whiny child. This phrase normally follows after a statement that was either offensive or just downright unnecessary, and is generally a defense mechanism when the person feels attacked for saying what they did.


What is so funny to me, is what this phrase says. All this statement explains, is that your "just talking", while the Bible explains that what was "just said" is actually a reflection from the heart. All defenses fall to the way side under that light.


Have yet to crawl out of bed. I just discovered that I feel asleep last night with my Bible, which sounds incredibly spiritual, but in reality just means it is currently a crumbled mess on the floor. Also picking up fabric today for my wedding dress's belt, and sushi with my sister in law! In other words, I really need to go going, because I should clean some laundry before I work my first shift at the new restaurant.


Thus concludes the daily play-by-play of Dani. :)

Walk in a Present World Where all Wrongs Were made Right.

It is official, tomorrow is my last day at my current restaurant.

I suddenly had this urge to announce that I got my dream teacher job and I am going to spend the rest of my days in the Congo teaching children how to read and write with nothing but paper and crayons. But the truth is much less exciting...

This girl is transferring to another restaurant- same cooperation, different store.

This is something that I needed to do for a while. My pride really struggles with saying that, because I have put up such a valiant resistance to the fact my time is done here. I mean, THIS was the place where I pretty much grew up. A lot happens between the age 18 to 24.
Stuff like... bad decisions, socially awkward moments, bad hair cuts... I have fallen flat on my butt at this place, met some of the most amazing people I know (in fact, one is my maid of honor), and some managers have really invested meaningful moments into my life. Even the parking lot has enough memories to boast of.... conversations with Kara in our bare feet after closing on Sunday nights, awkward boys waiting to ask you out after work (yeah... did I mention awkward?), and a slew of other things. 

I've worked at this restaurant at times I felt like my insides were falling apart, I've learned how to fake a smile after you just got dumped from your boyfriend, how to quickly forget the tables that stiff you, and those moments you get a tip that makes you go back to the table with a glazed-shocked glimmer  in your eye as they convince you that they $20 tip is truly yours.

There were times I felt like I acted like some poor child who never makes enough money with the way I thanked some of them. However, those people were never forgotten, and I am so thankful for them.

Do not be mistaken loves... I am not confessing to some crying session in front of my computer as I create some strange memoir my life as a waitress. (mainly because, I am STILL a waitress, just now clocking into a different building... and normally I only cry if I feel like someone is mad at me) 

Just processing the fact that I am walking away from a building that has been probably the only consistent thing (other then God of course) through these crazy years.

Closure. I am grateful for unexpected closure moments. My stubborn little butt is moving forward. Ah, yes, so much to learn.

In fact, speaking of learning, I am suddenly inspired to list all of the things I have learned or re-learned this past month. (aka: nerdy alert):
- I do not read minds as well as I like to think.

- I CAN write a 15 page paper and have plenty to talk about.

- Your rarely initially right, you do not understand everything, and sometimes things get blown way out of proportion.

- When you walk into a place, and something inside questions "do I want to order food here?" its a sign that "no, walk away". You pay for it later.

- That I have un-necessary insecurities concerning my over bite. But seriously... why would you tell me I have the cutest bugs bunny over bite?! And to top it off, my mom's old boyfriend considered paying for BRACES if they got married. Is it that bad!?

- Weddings are a LOT of work. I mean.... wow.

- Half of my battle with communication is my tone.

- Studying the Bible rocks my world.

- To trust God with all the little details. 

- That opposed to popular belief... I'm not the nicest person you've ever met. I am not the most pure woman you will ever talk to. Sometimes I am not very nice, sometimes I am very selfish, but I promise I always feel like crap about it later. 

- I still want bangs.

- Pearl and the Beard are my new favorite band.

I wish I could curl up in my bed, 

and wake up with every apology i've ever said magically erase and change the past. 

As if every single "I am sorry" was actually a "re-do", 

and I could walk in a present world where all wrongs were made right.

I am grateful for my present world non-the less. I am given far more love then I deserve in so many ways.

And now, I shall leave you with a picture of my sister-in laws pretty bouquet from her wedding.

 I arranged them! (and yes, that was just me digging for affirmation. No shame!)

And a picture of my little brother just before he performd his first Saxaphone solo for the Bible Club Theme song. So proud of him! He looked SO handsome in his button up shirt and black pants! (I am also in love with the creepy pink-potentionally-levitation teddy bear in the background)

Go Reed!

Random Note: Just realized the I have another referring website beyond facebook and google! SermonImpact.com posted my Bob-the-Builder-Fix it-Alls post as a sermon idea! SEE! Crazy Cats!

Spending Way too much Time Playing with my Obnoxious Gum

I do not know how I feel about today. It was kind of a weird one.

Apparently I had this dream last night, that I checked my watch and it said "11:00 AM"... so within a matter of seconds I was wide awake sitting straight up with this thought "I am late! I missed my Science test!"
I mean... I'm talking panic and dread all wrenched into one moment, but as I looked over to my alarm clock it said "4:35 AM"
Just as quickly as it happened, I fell back into my pillows in relief and went back to sleep in seconds.

This reminded me of last summer, when I traveled with some of my family to Oklahoma for a family visit. I guess I was having some crazy dreams, and I recall waking up, completely convinced my single bed mattress was floating on water in darkness. I remember laying there, eyes wide open, panicking, not moving an inch as I tried to come up with some survival plan. I finally said in a small terrified voice "Water... is there water everywhere?!"

And man, what would I have done without my older sister Karen? I suppose my panic woke her up, and calmly I heard from the air mattress on the floor a voice of reason, "No Dani, there is no water. Go back to sleep"... and once again, seconds later, I was out.

This really makes me wonder what I do in my sleep, when the crazy things I am doing does not wake me up?

Well, today was my final English Capstone class. Man, that class sure stretched my intelligence. (I can honestly say however, that I understand postmodernism)

It was sometime towards the end of this final class session, that I decided that I was I done chewing my gum. So after the professor announced his good luck wishes for our take home exam, I packed up my backpack and tugged on the jacket, and debated between "spit out the gum? Or pick it out?"

As I was walking to the door where the trash can sat, I suppose I decided within those two seconds to "pick it out". However, this turned into an episode of Dani trying to get super-sticky-chewed gum off her hand... while everyone behind her stops and watch. (mostly because I was blocking the doorway with my big backpack, struggling.) 

I mean, this was not a "second of struggle"... but rather a series of initially calm attempts, and then down right panic jabbing motions with my hand as I tried to get it to at least stick to the trash bag. It got to the point where people started laughing, and I gave up on being discreet and announced "Well... this is awkward...", finally getting my nasty gum to stick to the trash can liner, looking down and quickly walking away.

However, I am rather glad I did not choose to spit it out. This is mainly because, at the rate my day was going, I would probably have missed the trash can, or got it stuck to my lip, or stuck to the floor, and ended up spending way too much time playing with my obnoxious gum.

And that concludes my awkward moment of the day...

One highlight of my day was buying a big package of fine point sharpie markers of all sorts of colors, and as I worked at the restaurant I thoroughly enjoyed writing with my pink BRAND NEW sharpie. 

In fact, I was so excited about it, that I actually made random lists of "to-do's"... just so I can use it.

- one of my completely random drawings on the back of my notebook.... not sure why I felt the need to insert the intense caption of "Imagine", but hey, super man is looking pretty spiffy there.

Girl, I Love you, and you need to Hear me

The other day, I woke up and found myself wandering around the basement, feeding the whining cats and searching for clothes to wear, when I found my little brother Reed downstairs in his PJ's. I let out this huge sigh and said, "Man, I'm tired"

And like an old man, Reed sighs too and said, "oh, aren't we all"


I broke out laughing right on the spot. What's this young whipper snapper doing, relating to my exhaustion?

"There was a thunderstorm Dani, I have been waking up since 4:00 am"

Oh my oh my. :)

Today Kiel and I looked at an apartment. I truly hope it works out, it is small, but perfect. The neighborhood is alright, fits within the budget (even a little less), and I can truly see ourselves settling in there. I just don't know if they will let out kitty move in too :( That would be tragic. (Course, Kiel is reminding me "Dani, if we go abroad and do missions... you can't take that cat with you" I haven't told my little kitty this yet. I don't have the heart)

I also stamped all my cards with the return address, and assembled some of the invitations. I felt like a brainless machine. However, this way, I have sometime to address all of them. I really want them to have pretty hand writing, so I either have to suddenly learn how to do calligraphy, or just be content with my own. (I am striving for the later!)

Pre-marital counseling has been rocking our world. It is wild to be talking like an "us" and "we", and completely radical to see ALL of this through God. It is 100% based on God's word, so this means we have a LOT of homework. (In fact, we can barely keep up with it!) We struggled at first figuring out how to use the concordance with original word searches, but it has been awesome.
I walked into this with a million expectations as to what God's word says concerning marriage, and realized (again) that God knows what He's doing. I am not saying I am suddenly becoming a queen of submission, but it's as if God said this week "girl, I love you, and you need to hear me. This is for MY glory, and YOUR benefit"

With school coming to a close for the summer, and my 15 page paper behind me and ready to go, I starting to look around me and realize a chapter is coming to a close. I won't have little Reed wandering around my house anymore, and its sad, but I will miss him dearly. (I am trying to convince him to hang out at my place sometimes.) I wont have my mom reminding me to clean the bathroom...

But it shall be good! I am planning on recording more of my wedding planning adventures. I have some neat projects up and coming that are just way too fun to not post! The joys of being a DIY bride :)

DIY Wedding Flowers!

Spring break is coming to a close, and as always it was not quite long enough. I accomplished some things, did not accomplish others, and managed to have a boring moments as well. (My best friend said that she does not feel bad for me: in order to obtain the status of boredom, this requires the ability to not have much planned... something I do not do often)

Also, I am noticing that my "s" key is sticking... 

and it is driving me a little bonkers...

With the help of my little sister and maid of honor, we learned how to make paper roses today! For some reason I believed this would be a quick proces: cut the petals, take the glue: BAM! Rose.

I hear... it will be quick... but to start it is actually a meticulous process of learning how to make it less home-made looking and more organic and natural. It is quite the learning curve. I am planning on doing all of my flowers for the wedding this way. I am recycling old hymnals. I originally wanted to have scripture covering the flowers (but was hesitant to tear up a Bible for my wedding day...) however, I love the idea of having all the flowers covered with hymns.

The good news to all you fellow budget people?? Including all the materials: my flowers may just be under $20. Who can beat 15 cents per flower?!


.

Currently I have been on a "learning how to be a wife" kick. Lately, my poor love has had to deal with my realizations that there are just some things I bring to the table that just wont work well in a marriage, and it makes me angry.

Basically: I am realizing that a single mom does not make a very good wife. It's like trying to be a single wife... doesn't make sense, because it doesn't really work.

I really wish I can go back in time, and watch my dad when he was alive. Ask him questions that I have right now, actually notice how he interacted with mom, and how mom interacted with him. It would be great to have my dad at my wedding as well... but more then that, I just want him to be here.

I also wonder if my mom is tired of being a single mom, and wants to go back to being a together wife.

I know my mom would shake her head and say "Of course silly, you don't have to act like I am in a marriage. That would be ridiculous. I do what I do, because I have to" but for some reason I can not wrap my head around this concept of having a provider, protector, and whatever else the man does. I find myself charging forward with all the gusto I have within me, and taking up all the space and room for the man to be... the man.

But God knows what He's doing by uniting two imperfect people.

It's exciting.

July 14 will be exciting.

God's plan is exciting.

Learning to be a wife is exciting.

But making 250 paper roses?

That's...... exciting....

I need to memorize these....

 And now, God, do it again— 
      bring rains to our drought-stricken lives 
   So those who planted their crops in despair 
      will shout hurrahs at the harvest, 
   So those who went off with heavy hearts 
      will come home laughing, with armloads of blessing.
(The Message) Psalm 126:5-6




“Forget the former things; 
 do not dwell on the past. 
  See, I am doing a new thing!
 Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
 I am making a way in the wilderness    
 and streams in the wasteland." 

                   Isaiah 43:18-19

Pride in what we do

There is something about preparing for marriage, that drags a spot light onto your relationship with God.

Suddenly I see all the ways I do not trust God, and all the things I cling to like their "mine". You know, the stuff that single Dani never had to really share. Suddenly boundaries that were ok for dating Dani, now are dangerous for married Dani. (Such as making decisions that will effect his life, without... checking to see if that's ok. Who knew!?)

I feel like my heart is under construction right now. Turns out being a workaholic gives you the credit of "hard worker", but behind this runs a frantic woman who does not believe God can provide unless she... well... works! (sometimes... a lot!)

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not trust in your own understanding. Agree with HIm in all your ways, and He will make your paths straight" -Proverbs 3:5-6

I can not fathom being provided for... even though I look around, I can see all that God has provided for me, graciously.

I am actually rather embarrassed reflect on how I act when my fiance comes beside me and offers to help carry a load I've been juggling by myself for a long time. You would think he's ruining my life! Gee wiz!

I think there is a lot of pride, in what we do. If I were to be honest, I would have to confess that there is a slight satisfaction in taking the hard road, and surviving. Work, go to school, get those A's, bake those cakes, make that time, read those books, write them papers, volunteer at that after school program, mentor a young girl...plan a wedding... spend time with mr. awesome... coffee with friends... and pay for tuition... and bla bla bla bla.

"A proud man starts fights, but all will go well for the man who trusts in the Lord. He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be kept safe" Proverbs 28:25-26


And just incase you don't know this yet, being foolish is exhausting.....
So I will go to bed, and start a BRAND NEW day!
Because mercies are new EVERY morning

Feel the Over-Flow Spill all Over your Lap.

As I was driving home from my best friend's birthday party, I had one of those moments.

You know, the moments where you realize something huge in a matter of seconds.

The moments you just start blurting out praises, because you realize how unworthy you are for the blessings you have received.

Moments, where the verse speaks of your cup overflowing, and you can almost feel the over-flow spill all over your lap.

Last year, today, I shared my testimony to a group of woman for the first time. It was also this time, last year I truly hit rock bottom on so many levels- emotionally, spiritually, socially.

Looking at what God can do in just one year is encouraging.

I suppose this girl will go back to frantically making booties for the baby shower tomorrow. I suppose I understand why... now... people just go to the store and buy things. I sure hope this  little lamb chop looks awesome in it's fuzzy crochet bear hat and little booties. We shall see though!

OH, and there's no way in heck anyone will see this dress until after July.... but I found my dress. :) Very exciting. People keep laughing at me, saying I just managed to plan my wedding in one week. I've been titled "Super Bride", or accused of having it all planned out before hand. But to be quite frank with everyone:

 A) It's Dani your talking to, and....

B) I miss my fiance a lot. In fact, I have purposefully made this week busy with wedding things, in hopes the week would go by that much faster. In some ways, it has, in other ways, it hasn't. I can say I got a lot of the hard work done, or at least a lot of the main ideas going. Wedding dress picked out, bridesmaid dresses picked, colors chosen, flowers picked out, location... God is really pulling so many of the details together though.

1. Maid of honor's boyfriend is enthusiastic about making a dance floor. (big relief and joy)
2. My aunt wants to make, and organize the food. (and is EXCITED about it)
3. I have people promising me mason jars, like... just handing them to me.... in fact, the decorative part of the wedding sounds like I am just visiting newlyweds homes, picking out vases, or allowing older ladies to drop off their mason jars and vases at my house...

In other words... I now have no excuse to not focus on my homework, because God is doing His thing.

Ok! back to bootie making....

Dance in the Grass, Darn it all!

I sit here trying to get myself to wind down, breath, let go and let be.

I spent my first part of the morning calling locations, gathering prices, watching the "should haves" add up to some ridiculous number for our wedding. I did manage to make my "inspiration" collages, these will help... I hope. (If anything, it gave me an excuse to print out pictures and use glue sticks)

Then I try to switch gears and move into student-intellectual mode.

Then switch gears to mentor mode

Then back to wedding planning mode (This time, spending time with my new family)

and now to "I really need to find the off switch" mode.

Closing thoughts of my day:

- People can dance anywhere. Yes, a dance floor would be ideal... but before dance floors, people danced in the grass, or sand, or dirt. So kick off your shoes, and dance in the grass people. It will be fun. darn it!
- Things will come together. At the end of the day, the end result is the same: we're married.
- It WILL NOT rain July 14, 2012.
- I need to eat more. This "too busy to eat" I just started doing this past month is not going to cut it.
- I really miss my fiance. I hope his time in Canada is nice, but I miss being able to contact him.
- Above everything, dance floor or just grass, good food or... not.... I really want this wedding to radiate God's grace and this miracle of two people coming together. Thats all. To be honest? That is something I can not create by planning or organizing enough... and at this moment, this is a comforting reality.

We got ENGAGED!

So I have some news to share on blog world...

I know, we are super nerds, and I hope my fiance does not mind that I just posted his face all over my blog... but yes! This lady is engaged!

He proposed Saturday, around 10:30 pm. We were hanging out all day, doing our thing, when we decided to head to my house for the rest of the evening. I got home around 8pm expecting to see him shortly, when he called saying "I need to go buy new wing shield wipers, so I am heading to Meijer. Do you need anything?"

I remember thinking Yeah, your windshield wipers are REAL bad and then realizing I am craving some spin dip...


So I spent the next while with my little sister Christy, portioning out the cat's food into bags (I love my sister, and she is going to school to be a vet tech, but I have never experienced such a mathematically proportioned cat food transition in my life. I even have a calendar taped next to their food dishes, explaining their feeding schedule...)

50 min later, no boyfriend. He says he's still at Meijer.

30 min later (Dani is trying not to be a little irritated by now. I mean, how long does it take to buy wind shield wipers and some spin dip?!), I get a text saying "I got pulled over by a cop"

20 min later another text "My car broke down by the park on the way to your house... please come pick me up"

So by this point I'm thinking "Ok, is he just having the worse night of his life or what?"

I drive to the park, and notice his car is neatly parked in a parking spot. I get this phone call with him saying "I am on the bridge, walk to your right around the pond" In the freezing snowy cold, mind you


As I was walking around the pond, along the path he set up these candle lit bag-lanterns with carved out letters, that said "Will you marry me?"

I managed to run into a tree branch along the way, but I found my boyfriend in the dark, on the bridge (same spot where we decided to officially date each other), freezing his little butt off on bended knee, asking for this crazy chica to be his wife.

I will become a Mrs. Hamlet on July 14, 2012,

 172 short days away.

Now I am just waiting for my ring to get resized, collecting a guest list, trying to figure out how to build your own dance floor (it IS possible!), and setting wedding dress dates (with my whole clan of sisters and friends and mother... it will be crazy), and convinced I do not need a tent for an outdoor wedding in July.

In other words, I am incredibly blessed. 

Dino

I am exhausted and blurry eyed, and I realize I have been neglecting this beautiful thing called writing.

I feel like a person who has been carefully sewn together. 

A few months ago, I taught myself how to crochet. I remember when I finished crocheting this Christmas present. It was a little dinosaur, and I felt this quirky yet deep connection with him. Every stitch, my hand touched, weaved together, until it formed a head, body, arms, legs, and even spikes. I can remember the time when I accidentally made his head crooked, and learning to live with it. I worried I did not stuff his midsection full enough, and at one point he looked like some form of a tadpole-gone-book worm. And like any true creative woman, I choose to name this dinosaur the ingenious name: “Dino”

I know. I have no idea what that name came from either... (bah)

Well, in a really weird way, my alter ego feels like this “Dino” creature, and my pride is the creator.

And in a very raw way I see God coming in with a pair of scissors with my prayers “I surrender” and cutting up my “Dino”. He hates pride. Considering all the time I spent on Dino, this process really hurts.

In the end, I had to give Dino away Christmas eve. 

He was not for me to keep... but unlike my civil manner of sending Dino off into the hands of his 4 year old owner, I seem to be kicking and screaming with every inch this pride gets removed and placed into the hands of an Almighty God.

There is hope however. Big, exciting changes are coming soon, and I just have this feeling that this is all part of God’s preparation for things to come.

Please be patient with me. I promise, it gets better.