I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. -Goldwyn

So I can see the end to all of this crazy-mayhem. My days of packing and going down, then up, then down again stairs... driving... then down and then up again stairs is coming to an end. I have pretty much everything back at my moms, I just have to use and abuse my mom's boyfriend and his truck tomorrow, then clean. See? I see the end.

I may have mentioned this before, but I really like my landlord-couple that lives below my previous apartment. Christmas morning I found a box of chocolates with a card from them by my door, thanking me for being such a great tenant. (yay!) So I was naturally worried that they wouldn't find a new tenant fast enough, like as if I ripped them off or something. (silly, but true) So I was happy to hear that they have a NEW tenant moving in THIS Thursday. So yesssss. The world really does carry on in my absence.

So here's to new beginnings in old places. Closing a book and opening a new one. Frustrated with what was, what is, and what could be. But giving it all up to discover the hope, the faith, and love that is promised. .

I'm home.

The Final Analysis Prayer

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.

Forgive them anyway

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.

Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.

Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.

Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.

Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.

It was never between you and them anyway.

Mother Teresa

Familiar acts are beautiful through love. - Shelly

I am officially in the christmas spirit.

And no, it wasn't the christmas lights and big fluffy snow flakes, or me getting all giddy over the cute christmas cards I discovered (Warning: A LOT of penguins in scarfs this year. Prepare yourself.). It was the lovely Sunday morning church service. It was like God gave the pastors a memo card with the cry of my heart written on it.

And the beautiful thing is? I am now excited about Christmas, I am totally and completely ecstatic to rejoice about the greatest sacrifice known to man, that says- "See? This is how much I love you" He gave his only begotten Son.

Need I say more?!

Also: I painted my new bedroom, a delightful mix between light green and blue.

Plus, I was feeling rather ambitious and decided that today was the day I would teach my little 9 year old brother how to paint a room. I figured this would either go really badly, or fairly good.

Turns out by the second layer he was doing pretty good (As in less comments like- "Hey I see some pretty thick paint in need of some rolling" or "I still see purple over here dude"). However, once my computer's batteries died and the music ceased to play, his solution to the lack of music was stories. Kindly enough, he will always give you the option to the extended version of each story with the question, "Would you like to know more about it? Yes? OK! So..."

I was pretty proud of him however. he helped with nearly everything, until I could tell his poor twiggy arms were about to fall off.

So I took the little worker to Subway and he had a meal that he said- and I quote- "That sandwich was not just good, or kinda good, or even really good. it was heavenly!" Who would have guessed a ham sandwich could be called heavenly? How precious.

And gosh, if someone can find such joy in a ham sandwich I am convinced that every day has big or little pockets of joy everywhere.

If you fell down yesterday, stand up today. - H.G Wells

You know those days. We all know those days. Those days that whenever you get a chance you instinctively pick a fight. And no matter how much you KNOW you should NOT say this next thing then suddenly... oops... just say it. And when the damage is done, the best option you have left is to just step away from the conversation and hope saying sorry is enough.

Now, in my defense I was not like this the entire day. Granted, beginning to pack up my things and trying not to slip on ice at the same time was not a bucket of fun. But the last piece of cake my mom gave me, and the shopping spree I conquered with Kara was lovely.

Of course starting a conversation with my little sister on how strange it is that the boys her age find it so funny to go all the way with gay jokes (not mentioning, but not excluding the boyfriend), was not the greatest idea on the planet. Who knew I'd end up making her feel like she needed to defend her boyfriend's sexuality?

Really Dani?

But I will have to pause and say, that I am very grateful for my Grandma and all she did to take us to the Nutcracker tonight. There was something magical about watching the Nutcracker, watching people do things that I only can do in my dreams.

But in reality, even though I tore Alan's chance of having a happy end to his day into shreds, I did have a great short (random) conversation with my (other) little sister that made me smile.

Sometimes... even though we don't always make the smart choice right away, I find it beautiful when a person comes to that decision on their own terms. No one else's, but their own. When someone can own a decision and claim it as their own... thats when I can't help but be proud. It's like the first time a parent realizes that the training wheels can be taken off of the bike, that the balance is no longer relying on the protective wheels no longer.

OF course that is, unless your like my little brother who decides to go from training wheels to no wheels in a matter of 10 minutes. I was ready to be his full time coach for at least 30 minutes, but before I knew it he was riding that two wheeler all by himself for hours. it was sick.

Can't help but wonder how beautiful it must look to God, when he see's us choose Him. Not because our parents pounded it into us since we were born, not because the pastor scared us from going to hell, or that our friends believe in Him; but because we realized on our own accord that no matter what we do we are in desperate need of Him.

So yes, it was one of those days.

But just like any other day

the day feels different depending on what you focus on.

Failure is success if we learn from it.

Towards the end of every semester, I always feel like I accomplished this huge accomplishment, as if we all should have mini-semester-graduation ceremonies for completing everything without drowning. I guess that's what the Dean's List is for, but one year from GRCC I received their so called "Dean's List" certificate and it didn't even have my right name. It said:

David Ophoff

Really? Last time I checked my name was DANIELLE. It was like my deceased father was playing a particle joke on me, taking all the credit for my good grades. My family laughed so hard we nearly cried.

...Needless to say, this is finals week.

I just finished organizing my next three exams into their neat little categories, lined up according to the timeline of exam.

All of the chapters and exams and all their reviews stapled together in order.

To be honest? My organization when it comes to my studying methods freak me out.

And so I continue my go-go-go spree of do-do-do's. I remember back when I was more in-tune with myself, more in-tuned with my faith and way more confident of what I wanted in life, I would drive without the radio on. I found the countless adds and commercials, and stupid songs completely distracting. But now I rarely drive with it off ((however my detest towards commercials remains)). I will jab through all of my presets, and if I must I will listen to Brittany Spears over carpet cleaning specials or how real Wendy's burgers taste. (which is a whole other topic)

Thus one must wonder, what is it about the lives that we live that we insist on constantly finding distractions? What is that your distracting yourself from?

Less is more.

Birthdays.

When we were little kids we could not wait for our birthdays. I remember when I was little it was all about a new toy and going out to eat, after I got a little older it was about sleepovers and late night popcorn with friends.

Sooner or later it became sweet 16 birthday parties, then those awkward boyfriend-romantic dates where the poor guy is worried he won't meet her standards in birthday date etiquette.

Last year it was the 21st birthday, where I went the low key route with a small handful of friends and went to town. I think I experienced a buzz for about one hour tops from a chocolate martini. (It was delicious however...)

So as you can guess. Today was my birthday. I did not really do anything too crazy, other then Alan spoiling me rotten with a shopping spree. (Jeans and more jeans. I LOVE my new jeans!!!) I had a big dinner at my mom's house, which was nice. I really looked forward to it, typically these things turn out rather festive and light hearted. But today was a-not-so-good day for everyone it seemed in their own ways.

It's not their faults that my birthday landed on a poopy day for everyone, and I am not bitter. Its life, things happen.

Today I handed over my rent and told my landlord I was moving out by the end of December. It was so hard. He is by FAR the best landlord in the world. Understanding, nice, kind, and funny and his wife is just as sweat. After we talked for a bit, I went back outside and sat on the front porch for a bit.

I felt a little sad.

This is it, these are the last two months. :(

I don't know if I am going to like this, but I know its the right choice in the end.

So in about two hours it will no longer be Danielle's Birthday. Thank you to everyone who did a little extra to make it a little extra special. :)

Art is the daughter of freedom- schiller

There is an art to being patient with someone who is sick. I wish I could say I am one of those nurturing people who do everything they can to make life all that much easier when your body is attacking you. I wouldn't say I am heartless however, I would help. But my version of helping normally entails consistent updates of how you are doing then "what can I do for you?"

Probably due to the fact I don't get sick very often. (as of now. I realize the bad luck that seems to come when you claim your very healthy) At church they were talking about how when you experience hurt, you have a natural compassion towards others in that way. I heard this at the same time Alan was traveling to the hospital to get his swelled up jaw-infection checked out.

However. That is no excuse to not have compassion. I was lost, and now I'm found. I was nothing, and I was saved. I was undeserving, but I received. God gave his everything for someone who would fail every day in old and new ways. I have hurt, and I still hurt, but I live in God's daily grace. Just for those very reasons alone, compassion should flow from me non-stop. IF! I am living in these truths.

So maybe someday, I'll be those compassionate-caring-oh-your-sick-you-poor-baby-you girls. But heck, its a process ok? I mean... I made him jello. That was nice of me.

Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.- Lennon

Today was one of those days, that inspire you to sleep more. I was not awake enough for my English class's discussion on Harry Potter, but distant enough to be amazed on how passionate people are about Harry Potter. ((Debating, should I read the books? ))

I chose today to mentally go to sleep during Spanish, however today chose ME to be randomly called upon. "eh... no comprendo lo siento..." Yes. When all I really had to say was "Yo duda que ti padres hayan un milliones dolares."

OK, On a bunny trail for second. So apparently someone who speaks Spanish has a telephone number a LOT like mine. Because it has happened often enough that my phone rings, I answer, and its this fluent Spanish speaking individual. So I reply the most logical manner I know how, "Lo siento, no hablo espanol." and since I cant think fast enough on how to say they called the wrong number... thats all I say. I tell them in Spanish that I can not speak Spanish. Cool story huh?

Then I was almost late for work because I was too busy eating ice cream from the box and popping my cold sore, then trying to cover up my cold sore only to realize the lipstick I bought for this VERY purpose looked silly. I wish make up had a trial period sometimes...

But you know, all of this would have been fine if I just had more sleep. I think a lot of things would be fine if we all had more sleep. Sleep=Sanity

Time is what we want most, but what we use worst. - William Pen

So I am on the brink of decision making. As of the moment I live by myself in a cute little one bedroom-upper apartment, where I can go and do as I please whenever it pleases me. But lately I have been daydreaming a lot more, and deeply began considering the option of studying abroad. (which is not that simple, because I'd want to do it for a foreign language, however I am not sure if I want to minor in Spanish... yes... lazy reasons...)However, IF this is something I want to do ((of which I have a mom and big sister really encouraging me to)) it would be a good idea to move back home.

But I have been on the fence on this for over a week now. This is largely due to my current relationship and the constraints this will put on it, which can drive me crazy if I am constantly basing this decision on that. I desperately want everyone's opinion however, and the only one I received from Alan is, "Whatever makes you happy"

Which then pushed me into this long winded rant, about how life has only proven to me that what you think will make you happy doesn't, and what you think wont bring joy does. So this pursuit of happiness is null and void and I should just pursue what is BEST for me and NOT what will make my HAPPY because my monumental happiness is based on selfish desires. However my problem solving mind can try to over ride my selfish desires to its best ability and try to make the right choice. Or, pray for divine intervention - for sometimes thats the only salvation we will ever have.

((and just so we all know, talking like this is not a good idea when the recipient is tired. yeah...))

Needless to say. I do not know if I want to do this, but I feel like I should...

....I should move back home. :(

Oh I miss you Yubi...

It is again WAY to late for me to be up if I am going to do anything that resembles productivity tomorrow. Oh heck.

I enjoyed work tonight, and that is saying a lot. I think I am slowly becoming friends with Katie- which I really need. I just need more friends in general. Her baby girly might need a helmet because her head is lopsided, of which Katie was not ecstatic about. I tried to reassure her by pointing out that every baby I saw in a helmet look like any other chubby baby, just with a cool hat. Probably didn't help.

Today was missing Yubi day. I was practicing my Spanish in my apartment, and I realized after I was done that I was pretending to talk to Yubi. Now this isn't just "Hey Yubi, how are you?" it is inside jokes, things we would find funny... and the scary part? I was ACTUALLY having a GOOD time talking to my imaginary Yubi. Anyone watching me may wonder if I had a case of schizophrenia with the way I was doubling over with laughter.

Is this a sign of insanity? Or a sign that I am missing someone in my life?

My mother called about my sister-in-law's Birthday Party. At my mom's boyfriend's house. This Sunday night. *Sigh* I need that day to prepare school for that coming week.

Ok. I am officially feeling tired now. GOOD. It is about time.