Some Alternative Universe

I've been sick.

The kind of sickness that makes you feel like your bones are boycotting your body, for everything just aches.

The exhausted sore eyes.

Sore throat.

Never ending goosebumps.

Yesterday was dreadful, and today I feel a little more functional. So don't pity me too much here.

I have contemplated long underwear for the first time in my life however (layering my yoga pants under my jeans did well enough for today. Kept the chills away at least) since there is little need to be sexy currently, I might just pull that off.

I was thinking they could duo for pajama's or something!

I mean, that could be charming... right?

I thought this was crazy, driving home from school in the evening through a fog. I felt as if I walked into some alternative universe (following a riveting class of peer reviews on papers, only to realize: my thesis does not fit my paper. How does an English major pull that kind of crap off? Easy fix though: fix the thesis so it fits the paper.)

I firmly believe that as you grow up, you realize life is a lot like this fog. You only see so far ahead of you. I used to be the queen of "painted futures". All that white space was just blooming with my version of my future and the direction of my life.

Needless to say, I'm retired from that right now. I'm not sure if part of that is an aspect of my personality, and if I'll catch myself doing it again... but for now I just throw my hands in the air and say "whatever".

So... whatever.

Unique and Beautiful.

Well thanks to the one's out there who made me feel a little bit extra special today.

I really just assumed it would be any other day, I was a little surprised.

However in my shame... I did not prepare much for today... I feel horrible because I feel like I fail people in this area often. (Area called: gift giving)

It's not a talent of mine, or I am lazy and seriously need to get better at these things.... debating as to which one it is. I mean.... I DID last night make some valentines for my 4th grade girls, as shown in the picture... but that's because I just know little

kids go all out for valentines.

(Heart origami's by the way... with pockets... probably the best thing ever. I MAY over use it, but it works so well for practically anything!!)

Yesterday, was a good morning for me. Church was exactly what I needed to remind me the differences between calling and driven, and recognizing:

where in life am I "driven"? Where am I pushing and pushing for MY end

result and MY agenda and what I think I need to accomplish? And what is it, that I need to surrender?

For I know that I am:

Called to teach children

Called to love my family

and called to chill out from the fellows for a bit.

All of which are FINE, as long as I am not pushing myself to the point of stressing out over homework (to get certified), or trying so hard to fix things at home that I am going on overkill, or freak out over everything concerning the later.

But honestly, life is beautiful.

Unique and beautiful.

Breath, Relax, and Take a Bath.

How great would it be, if life had an ice scream scooper. One that you could just scoop out pockets of time and just fester in them until your satisfied. (Not saying I FESTER in my ice-cream, not entirely sure what that would look like)

Because, in reality, THIS is what I end up doing with my real life time:

This, is my American Literature text book.

This was what I was supposed to be reading before I went to work tonight.

But this is what I did instead.

So as most may already know, I am an 23 year old who lives with her mom and goes to college in dreams of being a teacher when she grows up.

And while I am so thankful that I have a mom who lets me save money so I can actually afford college, it has become increasingly evident that I am becoming a pain in the butt to deal with.

Because... well I'll just be frank about it.

I am acting like I own the house.

I desperately believe this is coming from a desire to HAVE my own place, because well... I am 23 years old after all. 100 years ago I'd probably have 3 kids by now and be queen of the home for all I know. (or at least ruler of the kitchen)

But since I have yet to settle down and devote a lifetime with a man,

or have a child,

or stinken graduate from college already,

this is where I am.

So if my mom is reading this,

I am sorry for being such a pain,

but thanks for putting up with this

highly opinionated woman in your home.

Random Advice of the Moment:

For all the days you just don't feel awake enough, your stomach is giving you grief, your head is throbbing, or you just cant get your spirits up, constantly running around, or failing to accomplish anything productive, do yourself a favor and take a bath.

It truly makes the world of difference.

I ALMOST forgot about that 7 page paper that's waiting for me

Or the 40 pages I have to read

Or the lesson plan I must create

Or the other paper I need to finish

Or writing about the top 15 most important facts in American History...

Because I would know all about that...

I almost forgot all about it.

So breath, relax, and take a bath.

A Heart is Hard to Break That Way

I am so tired, I could just fall asleep.

But my goal, for these pictures, must be met.

SO, on my drive home....I took this picture.

This was after a riveting night of cheesy bread, brisk tea, and a movie with my lovely friend. Funny thing is, as we were driving to go out and have a few drinks, we both confessed that we were much too tired.

I confessed I wanted cheesy bread

And I wish that tea lasted longer.

But I love my friend. I am very happy I got to spend time in her cute little apartment.

Observation of the day:

Since I am on a "MUST BE SINGLE FOR NOW" kick, I'm... well single, intentionally. Not saying I have a LINE of men standing at my door waiting for his turn, just saying I'm trying to take a chill pill.

But I noticed that with my friend who is not single, I can still do boy talk.

Without getting whiney

Overly cynical,

or any of that.

And in my sleepy tired state, I found that interesting.

Just goes to show the benefits of having walls.

A heart is hard to break that way.

I think that was sarcasm.

I'll let you know in the morning

.

Enjoy the snow all you Michigan people.

Flash to the Past

I suppose in Preschool, when asked to draw a self portrait... I was a little confused...

Burned a Hole in my Cranium

Today was a two photo day.

First picture happened as I was driving to volounteer at Degage Ministries, eight o'clock in the morning. It was one of those mornings where I had to scrape off the frost from my windows as I shiver in my spring jacket (because I apparently protest against Michigan weather by wearing those)

I really just like this picture, plain and simple. It's one of those pictures you take real quickly without taking your eyes off of the road...

you know the times you just hope you didn't take a picture of your finger or review mirror on accident. I got lucky, and neither of those happened, and for my sleepy self, I was happy.

But today, my head just hurt. I want to blame the coffee I had at Degage, but maybe all my thinking burned a hole in my cranium or something. Needless to say, after my first class I was done.

So, I decided the fourth floor of the library on campus would be a good spot for me (for if I fell asleep, who would notice? Yea, all the people who are trying to hide on the 4th floor) Bought some chocolate and gum with my last two dollars, and quickly walked to the library. (quickly, because who wants to SLOWLY walk to the library when your freezing?)

So I sat down in this chair, and just exhaled. Thought to myself, "This looks nice." propped my phone on my knees, and took a picture.

But ok, I will confess something:

I really don't like the random sculptures on campus.

To be completely honest, I find my college's campus unattractive, except for their landscaping (They are good with nature, but it's a little hard to mess up God's creation in all honesty)

But their larger than life sculptures are just... not for me. But I will say, this random house shaped-larger-than-life thing they placed in some walkway, made for an interesting photo.

Random: this house/sculpture is a place on campus designated for "free speaking" Essentially, if you have a message or something to shout out to students on campus, you can "reserve" a time to speak "freely" concerning whatever you want during certain times of the day.

See speak freely, but make a reservation, and only at certain times.

Kinda funny to me.

I had a great night with my little brother Reed though. We talked and laughed about all sorts of things, read books, and just had a nice time. Sometimes I give him a hug and thank him for not being as dramatic as the rest of us girls.

Of which he just rolls his eyes to and says "Seriously"

Because seriously, between me, PMS, and suspected menopause running through the air of this dominated home, a girl can enjoy a breather.

This 'thing' Called 'energy'

I could feel my brain in my Creativity class stretch and have a multitude of "ah ha!" moments concerning life, and how I function in it.

But I am not ready to speak them into existence. They are still in process mode.

I discovered today, that if I bring my own mug, I can buy refills for a dollar! So I found the cool to-go mug I bought my mom for christmas, and trying to get myself to remember to bring it to school.

So heres to saving a dollar on coffee.

And for coffee giving me energy, when this 'thing' called 'energy' stays in bed. :)

Somewhat-Sometimes-Maybe-Direct-Answers

There is a small chance, I may get used to this 6:00 AM wake up call. I may just survive this semester after all.

Good news! Today was my first tutoring session at the elementary school! I am tutoring reading with two 5th grade girls. Because of last week's snow day, I had no idea what to really do on the first tutoring session, so I just packed a beach bag of books and marched my way to school. I would say I look pretty excited and awake for 8:00 in the morning, don't you?

Since I am working with children in an elementary school, the dress code is (naturally) on the modest side. I am not confessing to have a closet full of immodest shirts, but I will admit that most of them do not come up to my collar bones, no. So, in my sleepy brilliance- scarfs! All I need to do, is buy a bunch of scarfs! Instant modesty! Now if there was a way to magically multiply dress pants I'd be set...

But until then, my students will see me in grey slacks.

Every.

Single.

Session.

But beyond the books, the beach bag, and my "professional" attire, once it was all said and done, I realized few things in class today (a little late, because the snow day pushed the lesson a step back, and I found out what to do on the first day a few hours after... the first day)

I believe in the importance of understanding your student's sociocultural background, that includes the child's life experiences, literacy values in the family, literacy values in surrounding culture, attitudes towards literacy, and their understanding of litercy's meaning.

Before today, this VERY day, I assumed the best way to get this window into their world, would be simple: ask.

Direct questions, followed by

Somewhat-sometimes-maybe-direct answers.

Of course it did occur to me that children perceive the answers we want to hear. If by chance us adults or teachers stump them, they have ways to figure out the desired response. So, the answers are... well - what they are.

And it did occurred to me that adults are intimidating on their own. This increases if the child barely knows the adult.

So direct answers for most, is not beneficial.

Until you capture the power in observation.

Therefore, we have the power to create an environment in which we discover this window into their lives through objects, and play. Create a world in which children's imaginations walk into, so that relationships can be built, and insights are discovered.

This only works however, if the teacher does this with intent. Without this, digging through a bag of 'stuff' and exploring 'objects' and connecting them to stories and background knowledge just becomes busy work.

In other words. This Friday when I go back to the school, and have our second meeting with my girls, I have a whole new approach to work through.

Somehow I have to figure out what I want to know,

how I want to discover it,

using what objects,

with what opening lines,

all the while paying attention to how my girls respond,

to better understand them.

ALL to create a relationship

ALL so that I can do the job I crave to do: teach.

I hope what they say is true, and all this becomes natural in time and I don't have to think so darn hard about it.

A Reminder to Cleave to Christ

Today is Sunday, which means church in the morning, and work for the other half of my day. (I secretly envy those who just have church Sunday mornings, and then relaxation for the rest of it. Someday, I will have a job that does not require availability on Sundays)

But it is always Sundays that I realize all of which I should have done is not... done. And it is this time, right now, between lunch right after church, and the space before putting on my apron and work clothes to go work at the restaurant, where I feel the stress bubbling to a breaking point.

An hour is not enough time to figure life out before the week starts all over again!!!!!

But before I loose all that is good in today, and walk into the busy land of drink refills and extra bbq with "more rolls please" I will remember this:

My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.”

During Sisters at Heart Bible study, we followed up the sermon titled "What's the big deal about Sex before marriage anyway?" (Very good message, listen to it here!), and we talked about how the act of sex is like duct tape- once you stick two sticky sides of duct tape together, and try to rip it apart, you see that they never fully separate, and when they are separated, they still have pieces of one another still connected. Brokenness. (Unless of course, it is within the healthy boundaries of marriage, it is called unity)

There, today's visual.

So Kinita, held up a strip of duct tape, and then a piece of paper with the reference to John 10:27-30, and said. "So here we are, we are this piece of paper. This duct tape, is God. Just as sex is a binding of two people, the love of Christ is to us." she presses (us) the paper into the duct tape (God), and continues to fold the edges around the paper as she says, "And as we are connected and WITH God in this way, He in return wraps his arms around us, so that no one, NO ONE, can snatch you from His hand"

We all did this, and took ours home as a reminder. A reminder to cleave to Christ, despite all the distractions calling us to cleave to other things.

(I am loving this word cleave. I've never used it until now, and its... unique! But I am sure I will miss use or miss pronounce this word as well)

Well, 30 minutes before I have to be fully present and peppy for work. I want to go see if contacts will go in my eyes, or if it's geeky glasses day.

Life feels so fleeting sometimes. :(

This isn't a Magic Pill you Take to Get Rid of the Parasites in your Life

I was asked today, "What in the world happened today, that makes you in such a good mood?" My answer was rather lame however, "Nothing?"

Because, you see, my homework is still there. In fact I believe I accomplished just enough to NOT get another check off my list.

I still have to get up enough nerve to call my professor's cell phone and share my project idea (that keeps changing it's meaning. I say "it" as if my project has enough mind to change it's own meaning.) Which isn't a big deal, just never feels like a fun thing to do at the moment I can do it.

I even had a good helping of junk food today. I slept in, much to my delight... but this made for some interesting morning devotions. Trying to pray as you lay over the edge of your bed almost drooling back into sleep is a odd way to start the day (though I've had stranger beginnings)

But back to the junk food

I had 1/2 pound of Wendy's burger, while proving to Reed the sweet n sour sauce is

way better then BBQ with his chicken tenders. So I feel... well 1/2 pound heavier ironically.

So, why the good mood?

See, this morning (Or well, the few hours after I woke up... which is more like early afternoon in the real world) I walked around with one of these heavy heavy hearts, letting out sighs left and right, wondering- Why do I feel as if there is some impending doom looming over my head?

Thus, I concluded: I must have unconfessed stuff. So I opened my mouth, and confessed all of it.

This isn't a magic pill you take to get rid of the parasites in your life, but I believe it is just plain and simple: God.

We were not designed to hold of this in, and we should not dump all of it out onto someone. Therefor, confess it.

However, to any Biblical theologian out there that may stumble across this blog for some random reason: what are the defining differences between confessing your sins, or seeking forgiveness from your sins? I am starting to think that confessing is what we say to God, placing the sins before him, and forgiveness is what we receive. And in return, forgiveness is what we give to other's around us. Or am I just making this up?

Needless to say. Despite the pile of homework that will NEVER GO AWAY, it's been a lovely day.

My List of Need-to-do's

Today I cracked a joke, requesting everyone to not have any drama tomorrow because I have a lot of homework I need to productively accomplish.

Of course this was all tounge in cheek, making light of a day that I feel was exhausting and a test to everyone's patience. I managed to accomplish... one check mark on my self constructed-weekend- to-do list in my planner, as shown.

(That second check mark is deceiving, that is only there because I had a snow day on Wednesday and never got the outline for the paper due. So to

feel better, I gave myself a check mark. I wonder what that means, to give yourself a check mark for... the sake of...having one?)

And why all of the, what I call, "Conferences" with family members?

Well... you see...I like to give myself a pat on the back and whisper "blessed are the peace makers" as it says in the Bible. (Hey, I'm just being honest here. To all of you who know me on a personal level, save your scoffs!)

But today was a good slice of humble pie.

Peace makers are blessed because they bring peace: not force peace through soap-boxing new perspectives and creating angst for the sake of hitting personal agendas home...

Peace makers know when to let others figure peace out their own way

Peace makers know when to open their mouth, and when to leave it shut.

Peace makers think with the greater good in mind.

Needless to say, after a long day of... lets call it... passionate conversing... I had to end the day confessing I have to learn how to shut up and back off.

Maybe if I do, I might be able to add a couple more check marks to my list of need-to-do's. It truly is amazing what can be accomplished when you de-clutter the mind and leave enough room breath and movement.

Side Note: I have been craving a project, that is

not dictated by a professor or university. Thus, I

am challenging myself to do a, "Little things"

project. Every day, take a picture of something

that either captures the essence of the day, or just caught

my attention, and blog about it. Doubt I will keep up

with this DAILY, but it is nice to have that goal.

So, in other words... more words... to come?

Good or bad, here it goes. :)