You were made to be you.
Not super you.
I was made to be me,
not Super Dani.
As a christian, who has grown up as a christian, I was presented every day with a version of christianity. In essence, it was all about how to play the game. {1} You pretty much could fake your way through the whole thing and never have God in your heart, soul, or mind. You just had to learn how to dress, talk, act, and how to pray eloquent prayers, and you were in. As you grew older, maybe volunteer more, do some Bible studies, marry a christian gal, ect.
You could go on mission trips and learn how to wear the "SUPER CHRISTIAN" mask, or go to summer camps and get pumped up with a Jesus High. Needless to say, it can be hard when you meet the crossroads.
What are these crossroads?
It's when the actions don't add up to the heart. It's when fake becomes a chore, and faith becomes a pondering question. Things such as, "Am I Christian because I want to be, or because I was raised to be?" or "Do I really believe in God?".
See. I am leaving to work at an orphanage in Colima, Mexico in a week. I speak fondly of this place, and I am very excited. It has always been easy to be awesome in Mexico. I used to always say, "I am the best version of myself when I am there. It's just crazy"
But tonight it became incredibly clear to me, that God does not want me to go back and be Super Dani. He does not want me to get souped-up with a Jesus High, and act out the best version of me {2}. God want's me to go, as me. Only me. And to trust in Him, only Him, to use weesly little me, to complete some master plan, that I have no clue about. (Chances are, I may NEVER understand why I spent three weeks in Mexico, but know that I am going, out of obedience)
I know the game though. I know the Christian game, and I know the high. I crashed and blew up in flames a few months after being injected with the, "I am Super Dani and I am forever going to be Super Dani! Look at what I can do now!" two years ago after my last trip to Mexico. I combusted. I fell. I hit rock bottom so hard my lights were out for a while. I believed that the sheer fact, that I was doing so good, and then doing so bad, is a reason to never have hope.
My faith did not die, but a part of me gave up. I was scared to go back to Mexico, because I felt as if who I was, was someone to be ashamed of. With all of my sin, puke, and filth, how could I possibly show my face there again?
And I am being honest, maybe too honest for a blog, but honest none the less...
The fact that I am going back onto an airplane, and stepping foot again in Mexico, and saying "HOLA MI NINOS!" to all of those children again, and confronting old friends (and even some very new ones) again, is NOT because I was able to rig up my old "Super Dani" mask. I did not try it back on for size and found it... still... kinda fit... a little tightly... no. (though, can not lie, it was a plan of mine. I figured it would happen once I got there. Ya know, the best version of me in Mexico thing.)
It's none of that. It's because, I have realized, that God will ask you to do things, and push you to do things, just so that you learn, that the life He has called you to live is not one of games and masks, but of authentic, real, joy giving, purpose living, FAITH. Every day his grace is sufficient, because every day I need His grace in order to simply stand. Something Super Dani never, really, understood.
So maybe your not going out of the country, or living in another country, or whatever crazy adventure you can think of, but please. Cut the crap, and get real with who you are, who God is.
You were never created to be super you,
just you.
{1} These lessons on how to play the game were not designed to make it into a game, it was a way to surround us in the good life, and pray the truth will sink in deeply, and that we will grow in our faith.
{2} I say act, but it wasn't as if I knew I was really "acting", I genuinely strived to be this great Christian and genuinely believed I was making progress. and while 50% of it was real, the other 50% would fade over time. It was incredibly disheartening.
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