“The beautiful thing about this adventure called faith is that we can count on Him never to lead us astray.” —Charles R. Swindoll

And here I go!

I honestly should be sleeping right now, I have about 4 hours before I wake up and prepare to travel to Colima, Mexico.

But Im right now trying to get tired. And what better way to do this, then to write?

The picture I have to the left is a picture of Monse and I. (Her nickname was "Bratz" because they said she has the same lips as the dolls.) A lovely little girl. It has been two years.

I am terrified, excited, impatient, ready, and nervous. I believe those words suite me right now.

I want to see if Monse, or Leslie, or Ishmal, or any of the children I remember, and see if they still live there. I want to breath in that blasted Summer Allergy Infested Air, and deal with the nasty smell of rotting tortillas in the morning after the dumpster truck comes by. Talk with Yubi about anything and everything, laugh at her, cry with her, and sit in that bunk bed and laugh and talk until one of us pass out. I am even willing to endure some more refried-bean-tacos for breakfast, and walk around the tables and pour tabasco sauce for the kids. Ahhh yes. (Don't worry, I packed some popcorn!!)

I am ready to go through my days, asking, "God, what do you want of me? Now? here?" and just love. Simply love. No shows, just love.

So. I am leaving the country soon! I will be back home July 27. I may or may not blog while I am there, for I am not taking my laptop. It'd be internet cafe's for me.

God Bless!

This made me giggle:

Haha.... so to anyone who has endured a couple conversations may understand why I find this quote so incredibly amusing. It is now my new excuse for all of my gramatical mess-ups.

"Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?"

-Clarence Darrow

I know this quote does NOT justify asking questions such as -

what does the word impode mean? (Speaking of the word implode)

or use the word ejaculated instead of ejected (much to my mother's and sister's enjoyment)

or how every-time I spell Saturday, I ALWAYS spell Saterday, ALWAYS,

Or how I confuse exasperated with exhilarated when worked up,

Or how I will say colpromise instead of compromise,

This is why I thank spell check for being my constant companion as I pour my writing into my computer. I do not know what I'd do without my built in, red line scribbling, Mr. Webster.

“Wishing will never be a substitute for prayer.” —Ed Cole

You were made to be you.

Not super you.

I was made to be me,

not Super Dani.

As a christian, who has grown up as a christian, I was presented every day with a version of christianity. In essence, it was all about how to play the game. {1} You pretty much could fake your way through the whole thing and never have God in your heart, soul, or mind. You just had to learn how to dress, talk, act, and how to pray eloquent prayers, and you were in. As you grew older, maybe volunteer more, do some Bible studies, marry a christian gal, ect.

You could go on mission trips and learn how to wear the "SUPER CHRISTIAN" mask, or go to summer camps and get pumped up with a Jesus High. Needless to say, it can be hard when you meet the crossroads.

What are these crossroads?

It's when the actions don't add up to the heart. It's when fake becomes a chore, and faith becomes a pondering question. Things such as, "Am I Christian because I want to be, or because I was raised to be?" or "Do I really believe in God?".

See. I am leaving to work at an orphanage in Colima, Mexico in a week. I speak fondly of this place, and I am very excited. It has always been easy to be awesome in Mexico. I used to always say, "I am the best version of myself when I am there. It's just crazy"

But tonight it became incredibly clear to me, that God does not want me to go back and be Super Dani. He does not want me to get souped-up with a Jesus High, and act out the best version of me {2}. God want's me to go, as me. Only me. And to trust in Him, only Him, to use weesly little me, to complete some master plan, that I have no clue about. (Chances are, I may NEVER understand why I spent three weeks in Mexico, but know that I am going, out of obedience)

I know the game though. I know the Christian game, and I know the high. I crashed and blew up in flames a few months after being injected with the, "I am Super Dani and I am forever going to be Super Dani! Look at what I can do now!" two years ago after my last trip to Mexico. I combusted. I fell. I hit rock bottom so hard my lights were out for a while. I believed that the sheer fact, that I was doing so good, and then doing so bad, is a reason to never have hope.

My faith did not die, but a part of me gave up. I was scared to go back to Mexico, because I felt as if who I was, was someone to be ashamed of. With all of my sin, puke, and filth, how could I possibly show my face there again?

And I am being honest, maybe too honest for a blog, but honest none the less...

The fact that I am going back onto an airplane, and stepping foot again in Mexico, and saying "HOLA MI NINOS!" to all of those children again, and confronting old friends (and even some very new ones) again, is NOT because I was able to rig up my old "Super Dani" mask. I did not try it back on for size and found it... still... kinda fit... a little tightly... no. (though, can not lie, it was a plan of mine. I figured it would happen once I got there. Ya know, the best version of me in Mexico thing.)

It's none of that. It's because, I have realized, that God will ask you to do things, and push you to do things, just so that you learn, that the life He has called you to live is not one of games and masks, but of authentic, real, joy giving, purpose living, FAITH. Every day his grace is sufficient, because every day I need His grace in order to simply stand. Something Super Dani never, really, understood.

So maybe your not going out of the country, or living in another country, or whatever crazy adventure you can think of, but please. Cut the crap, and get real with who you are, who God is.

You were never created to be super you,

just you.

{1} These lessons on how to play the game were not designed to make it into a game, it was a way to surround us in the good life, and pray the truth will sink in deeply, and that we will grow in our faith.

{2} I say act, but it wasn't as if I knew I was really "acting", I genuinely strived to be this great Christian and genuinely believed I was making progress. and while 50% of it was real, the other 50% would fade over time. It was incredibly disheartening.

"We have a God who delights in impossibilities." - Andrew Murray

"Sorrow under the power of divine grace, performs various ministries in our lives. Sorrow reveals unknown depths of the soul, and unknown capacities for suffering and service. Lighthearted, frivolous people are always shallow and are never aware of their own meagerness or lack of depth. Sorrow is God's tool to plow the depths of the soul that it may yield richer harvest... in a fallen world, sorrow, yet with despair removed, is the power chosen to reveal us to ourselves. Accordingly, it is sorrow that causes us to take the time to think deeply and seriously.

Sorrow makes us move more slowly and considerately and examine our motives and attitudes. It opens within us the capacities of the heavenly life, and it makes us willing to set our capacities afloat in a limitless sea of service for God and for others." - The Heavenly life.

Before work I forced myself to fix my brain and heart onto things that matter. Or should I say, allow God to fix my brain and heart.

"I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert." -Demetri Martin

I've been having a heck of a week. Even though everything that "happened" this week was necessary, it doesn't make the reality hurt any less.

I mean, honestly? it should be great week. I finished my spring classes yesterday! How great is that? I can unpack all of my school-related stress for another two months! And these two months are filled with great trips. Mexico and my little babies for three weeks in July, Nashville for five days in August... it will be a lovely short summer.

But I realized something this past week, and for the first time in a long time, after I realized something, I did something about it.

Which is amazing, because even though I have proof of thinking, I sometimes lack proof of doing.

It's these darn games people! We all have to stop playing games.

Each and everyone one of us claim a name to fame when it comes to games. Such as, people pleasing, trying to seem like someone your not, dating game, friendships manipulation, work face... just to name a couple... all can be games.

And this is not to say, we enjoy these games either. And it is not to say, we realize we are even playing them half the time. Its a way of living, that we all fall trap to. The only way to avoid this is: be aware of your games.

Someone told me, that the best way to live, and the most loving thing you can ever do, is to just be honest about yourself with others. It sounds so simple, but the truth is, when your playing a game, everything becomes complicated.

This means telling the truth, with love, even if it may not make you look too good. Telling the truth, even if it means it will hurt their feelings. Telling the truth, even if it may hurt your feelings. Tell truth even if it may change everything.

Trust should be based on truth.

I'd rather know, that at the end of the day, I was honest with the people around me. Not just in the big things, but the little things as well.

Just today, I experienced the sad side of honesty. :(

*sigh* I am tired. So tired. I wish the games would just stop. Stupid games ruin my week.

Falling Slowly

This is for you:

I don't know you

But I want you

All the more for that

Words fall through me

And always fool me

And I can't react

And games that never amount

To more than they're meant

Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home

We've still got time

Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice

You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me

And I can't go back

Moods that take me and erase me

And I'm painted black

You have suffered enough

And warred with yourself

It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home

We've still got time

Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice

You've made it now

Falling slowly sing your melody

I'll sing along

A baby's prayer

I think this song is beautiful.

Children are precious.