My Dysfunctional Autobiography

I am suffering from the worse case of writer's block.

I have this project before me. Autobiography of my life, pertaining to 12 specific questions. I have full creative control, any format I prefer, and it is painful.

Its this stupid voice in my head, whispering "you are a writer..." Instead of rising to this challenge, and trying the title on for size, I squirm and wiggle my way out of it and wave this off with hands that say "not today. maybe some day. but not today"

the best part of my entire narrative so far, is the part about my birth:

"My mother explains that I was her worst labor, but her best baby out of six children. The doctors said I was false labor, gave my mother some sleeping pills, and sent her on her merry way. A few hours later, my mother came crawling back in the thick, slushy, cold November snow, trying her best to manage the pain through her drugged up grogginess. From the moment I was born, I was determined to defy the expectations of those around me."

People told me "You will be a great artists!"

I set my paint brushes aside.

People explain "You're not college material"

I sign up for college classes.

"You can not sing"

I take voice lessons.

"You write really bad essays... and your spelling sucks"

I become an English Major.

"Your dad died. You will be very sad"

I get angry. very angry.

Now I am scared, by people telling me I am a writer, I will shrug my shoulders and become a plumber, or a lumberjack.

I just don't know how to do this. I do not know how to write my autobiography. It would take too long. What do I focus on? Do I reminisce of the days of my youth, back when peeing your pants from laughter was a normal occurrence and all my days were spent in fun and games? Do I focus on my father, and how that shaped my life? Or do I speak about my angry highschool years, where i lost friends, gained friends, and lost them all over again? Do I include the parade of dysfunctional men, who all did their best to make themselves fit within my world? How do I fit my trips to Mexico between all of these, and summarize my college years that went from art major, to photography, to education, to land eventually as an English Major? 

I'm not quite sure. The more I try to puzzle apart, and puzzle together my life, the more I am frustrated with it. It is too messy, and all of my first hand experiences are too personal.

Anyway.

I have three more days to wrestle with this thing.

Pieces of Mom

I sat there during class, writing with a pen that I have watched my own mother write with so many times.

Papermate has this standard pen that I swear has not changed in the past 20 years...

All of those homeschool days...

Scribble down school planners

Write down notes from a phone conversation

Make those absent-minded big fluffy stars she always made in paper when talking on the phone for a while

Fill in the calendar with meetings, play-dates, and meal plans...

My hand... will become my mother's hand (though maybe with slightly longer finger nails)

Will I become my mother? Is that something that happens to all daughters, inevitably?

How much of my mother, will always be with me?

In many ways I never like to wonder about this, because I want to feel like I am my own person.

I am DANI FAITH

not Mary.

But... if I have parts of my mother in me, and they are not bad parts, then I should carry them with pride.

For this way, I will always carry a piece of home with me, everywhere.

This little piece of home I have, I can give away to others.

Someday I will be mom. (not anytime too soon. noooot quite ready for that. No intense baby bug :)

Maybe, I am mom
so I can be mom
to those who need mom.

Tired of Motions

Speaking into this blog feels like I am whispering into the ears of my past. There is so much of me in this blog. It feel's a little eerie.

Course, my husband says I tend to make more sense when I write. Every-time I hear that, I get this image of some dramatic fight in our tiny little apartment, where I am getting upset because I do not feel like I am understood,

generally because verbally processing an argument spontaniously on the spot... 

generally does not lead to concise statements...

... thus I am resorted to frantically typing out everything I want to say. 

But I know Dani.

I might sit there and type, but I will stop to say whatever it is that I think I need to say... or throw out 10 questions... rhetorical... or not.

Anyway...

I'm tired of motions. 

I am rather sick of feeling like I spent a day, not really feeling anything deeply. Being some robot who is acting out pre-programmed actions. I keep telling myself "this is just for now. Until I get done with this semester" 

I'll feel... again over christmas break.

"It is just this crazy month"

Next month will be... better.

"I just over booked this week"

Because next week will be... slower.

"I'm just tired today"

So I will go to sleep... on time? What's that!?

Thus, my conclusion: It doesn't get flippen better. 

That thing, whatever is, if you ever get it, it will then just become normal, and then you will look for something else. It doesn't really end.

I feel like I need to summarize this into some awesome conclusion that will bring everything into awesome perspective, and everyone can take this little golden nugget into their lives and plant it into their hearts and watch a whole new life blossom before their eyes and have me to thank for this ridiculously long run-on-sentence...

So here, I'll try for you.

Stop. Just. Stop. Think about what is going on, what are you doing? 

The other day, during the church plant meeting, the question was asked: what were your God sighting's this past week?

 I frantically sat there in my chair trying to see if anything stuck out, and since nothing was sticking out, try to see if I can dig one out... and realized I had nothing.

Nothing? Really? I went 7 days not seeing God anywhere in my days? What am I doing?! 

School (reading 3 books a week is fun until after 12 weeks), keeping the house clean (never ending war), trying to be an awesome cook (smoke dectors went off with that one...), and whatever else I am signed up for that day.

So I suppose, this is my nugget: slow down and get over yourself enough to see God in this world. Because I feel like I am missing the boat in this one.

Pray this Couch In....

I really dreamed of being those super chilled out brides, you know the kind that never need a vent session, and whatever is great and wherever is marvelous... however I have found this past week that everything feels a little intense.

I also dreamed off this thing called a free couch, and refused any thoughts or comments that hinted towards "I do not think we can fit a couch through the doors into this apartment"...

This happened last time I moved out... I bought this couch with no regards as to HOW to get the couch into the second story (home) apartment. Basically... we had to bring it through the window...

I had full faith it would work. In fact I measured out the dimensions and did my utmost best to convince my fiance this will work, borrowed my mom's Yukon, drove it around Grand Rapids, and made my fiance and his friend bring it up the stairs....

Only to spend 25 min trying to get it to move from the small tiny hallway entrance into the kitchen, where my imagination envisioned it moving through the kitchen into the living room.

At one point I even wondered, if I could pray this couch into the apartment.

It did not fit. So we had to bring it back to the Yukon, call a couple thrift stores, and graciously a Bible Thrift Store .2 miles down the road (unusually) had extra help later that night, and allowed us to bring it right over after store hours.

I then proceeded to organize all of Kiel's junk tubs, going through what is trash and what is not (in a very speedy practical manner). Turns out, un-earthing your fiances entire life (which impressively fits into two plastic tubs) is a gentle issue.... not quick and practical.

I also wish the bridal shower I am planning for this weekend could evolve itself..... or that people would RSVP so I knew who was actually coming.... *sigh*

I know blogs should not be used as venting places. I also know that couches are not a huge deal... we shall find one. Probably a futon. I also realize that I am blessed beyond measure, and if I could stop focusing on the couch that did not fit and ill-timed organization moments, I can see it all clearly.

Good news, I did give Kiel my purple sheets for his bed, because he was lacking some good sheets. Even donated one of my fluffy pillows to the cause. He jokes that when he marries me, his bed will be all supped up. I come with a box spring, down comforter, pillow top for the mattress.... he will sleep like a chum.

Foreigner

It all feels foreign now. I suddenly find myself giving my tables silly play-by-plays, as if every-time I leave the table, they must know why.

"I'll get that going in just a moment!"

"Let me grab these plates!" that are right at the edge of the table


"Whenever your ready, any time, I can pick this check up for you, so here it is right here, whenever you are ready. I will now go get some water! ok!"

Generally they look at me and blink... because they probably can not hear a word I am saying, mostly because it is so much louder then my old restaurant.

I'm not accustomed to not knowing what to do, or not knowing the general expectations. Thus on average I wander around with a baffled expression on my face until someone finds me and points out the obvious: "you look confused"


I am thankful. This transition was much needed, and in time I will get comfortable. It is just silly how new things make you nervous, how much we fear not knowing things, and how in reality it will all be ok.

And so as I walked to my car, late at night I noticed a little note tucked into my car door for "Curly Sue", proclaiming charming and enduring love.

I was (and am) very thankful for a thoughtful man in my life, and I can't forget to remind him of that.

Just Saying!

 “The mouth speaks the things that are in the heart. Good people have good things in their hearts, and so they say good things. But evil people have evil in their hearts, so they say evil things” (Matthew 12:34-35, NCV)


When I begin to picture my words as a mirror image of my heart, the room suddenly gets a little bit uncomfortable. I quickly want to think of all my redeeming qualities..... all of the words I say that reflect goodness! It's as if want to deny that deep down I have a critical, prideful heart.


I've always laughed at this phrase: "Just saying!" 


Whenever someone says this phrase, it is normally uttered with a certain intonation and octave that resembles a snotty, whiny child. This phrase normally follows after a statement that was either offensive or just downright unnecessary, and is generally a defense mechanism when the person feels attacked for saying what they did.


What is so funny to me, is what this phrase says. All this statement explains, is that your "just talking", while the Bible explains that what was "just said" is actually a reflection from the heart. All defenses fall to the way side under that light.


Have yet to crawl out of bed. I just discovered that I feel asleep last night with my Bible, which sounds incredibly spiritual, but in reality just means it is currently a crumbled mess on the floor. Also picking up fabric today for my wedding dress's belt, and sushi with my sister in law! In other words, I really need to go going, because I should clean some laundry before I work my first shift at the new restaurant.


Thus concludes the daily play-by-play of Dani. :)

Walk in a Present World Where all Wrongs Were made Right.

It is official, tomorrow is my last day at my current restaurant.

I suddenly had this urge to announce that I got my dream teacher job and I am going to spend the rest of my days in the Congo teaching children how to read and write with nothing but paper and crayons. But the truth is much less exciting...

This girl is transferring to another restaurant- same cooperation, different store.

This is something that I needed to do for a while. My pride really struggles with saying that, because I have put up such a valiant resistance to the fact my time is done here. I mean, THIS was the place where I pretty much grew up. A lot happens between the age 18 to 24.
Stuff like... bad decisions, socially awkward moments, bad hair cuts... I have fallen flat on my butt at this place, met some of the most amazing people I know (in fact, one is my maid of honor), and some managers have really invested meaningful moments into my life. Even the parking lot has enough memories to boast of.... conversations with Kara in our bare feet after closing on Sunday nights, awkward boys waiting to ask you out after work (yeah... did I mention awkward?), and a slew of other things. 

I've worked at this restaurant at times I felt like my insides were falling apart, I've learned how to fake a smile after you just got dumped from your boyfriend, how to quickly forget the tables that stiff you, and those moments you get a tip that makes you go back to the table with a glazed-shocked glimmer  in your eye as they convince you that they $20 tip is truly yours.

There were times I felt like I acted like some poor child who never makes enough money with the way I thanked some of them. However, those people were never forgotten, and I am so thankful for them.

Do not be mistaken loves... I am not confessing to some crying session in front of my computer as I create some strange memoir my life as a waitress. (mainly because, I am STILL a waitress, just now clocking into a different building... and normally I only cry if I feel like someone is mad at me) 

Just processing the fact that I am walking away from a building that has been probably the only consistent thing (other then God of course) through these crazy years.

Closure. I am grateful for unexpected closure moments. My stubborn little butt is moving forward. Ah, yes, so much to learn.

In fact, speaking of learning, I am suddenly inspired to list all of the things I have learned or re-learned this past month. (aka: nerdy alert):
- I do not read minds as well as I like to think.

- I CAN write a 15 page paper and have plenty to talk about.

- Your rarely initially right, you do not understand everything, and sometimes things get blown way out of proportion.

- When you walk into a place, and something inside questions "do I want to order food here?" its a sign that "no, walk away". You pay for it later.

- That I have un-necessary insecurities concerning my over bite. But seriously... why would you tell me I have the cutest bugs bunny over bite?! And to top it off, my mom's old boyfriend considered paying for BRACES if they got married. Is it that bad!?

- Weddings are a LOT of work. I mean.... wow.

- Half of my battle with communication is my tone.

- Studying the Bible rocks my world.

- To trust God with all the little details. 

- That opposed to popular belief... I'm not the nicest person you've ever met. I am not the most pure woman you will ever talk to. Sometimes I am not very nice, sometimes I am very selfish, but I promise I always feel like crap about it later. 

- I still want bangs.

- Pearl and the Beard are my new favorite band.

I wish I could curl up in my bed, 

and wake up with every apology i've ever said magically erase and change the past. 

As if every single "I am sorry" was actually a "re-do", 

and I could walk in a present world where all wrongs were made right.

I am grateful for my present world non-the less. I am given far more love then I deserve in so many ways.

And now, I shall leave you with a picture of my sister-in laws pretty bouquet from her wedding.

 I arranged them! (and yes, that was just me digging for affirmation. No shame!)

And a picture of my little brother just before he performd his first Saxaphone solo for the Bible Club Theme song. So proud of him! He looked SO handsome in his button up shirt and black pants! (I am also in love with the creepy pink-potentionally-levitation teddy bear in the background)

Go Reed!

Random Note: Just realized the I have another referring website beyond facebook and google! SermonImpact.com posted my Bob-the-Builder-Fix it-Alls post as a sermon idea! SEE! Crazy Cats!