Somebody's Somebody

I'm tired of morphing

into the somebody,

somebody expects me to be.

So many versions of me

I've created over

these years.

Some wanted innocent,

and wholesome,

others wanted freak

and naughty.

Some wanted pure,

others wanted it all.

Independently

confident

funny easy-going

laid back...

receiving my assignments

from somebody

somebody expects me to be.

But now the parade is over

and the crowds are gone,

I'm left here wondering...

Who was I

all along?

Some Alternative Universe

I've been sick.

The kind of sickness that makes you feel like your bones are boycotting your body, for everything just aches.

The exhausted sore eyes.

Sore throat.

Never ending goosebumps.

Yesterday was dreadful, and today I feel a little more functional. So don't pity me too much here.

I have contemplated long underwear for the first time in my life however (layering my yoga pants under my jeans did well enough for today. Kept the chills away at least) since there is little need to be sexy currently, I might just pull that off.

I was thinking they could duo for pajama's or something!

I mean, that could be charming... right?

I thought this was crazy, driving home from school in the evening through a fog. I felt as if I walked into some alternative universe (following a riveting class of peer reviews on papers, only to realize: my thesis does not fit my paper. How does an English major pull that kind of crap off? Easy fix though: fix the thesis so it fits the paper.)

I firmly believe that as you grow up, you realize life is a lot like this fog. You only see so far ahead of you. I used to be the queen of "painted futures". All that white space was just blooming with my version of my future and the direction of my life.

Needless to say, I'm retired from that right now. I'm not sure if part of that is an aspect of my personality, and if I'll catch myself doing it again... but for now I just throw my hands in the air and say "whatever".

So... whatever.

Unique and Beautiful.

Well thanks to the one's out there who made me feel a little bit extra special today.

I really just assumed it would be any other day, I was a little surprised.

However in my shame... I did not prepare much for today... I feel horrible because I feel like I fail people in this area often. (Area called: gift giving)

It's not a talent of mine, or I am lazy and seriously need to get better at these things.... debating as to which one it is. I mean.... I DID last night make some valentines for my 4th grade girls, as shown in the picture... but that's because I just know little

kids go all out for valentines.

(Heart origami's by the way... with pockets... probably the best thing ever. I MAY over use it, but it works so well for practically anything!!)

Yesterday, was a good morning for me. Church was exactly what I needed to remind me the differences between calling and driven, and recognizing:

where in life am I "driven"? Where am I pushing and pushing for MY end

result and MY agenda and what I think I need to accomplish? And what is it, that I need to surrender?

For I know that I am:

Called to teach children

Called to love my family

and called to chill out from the fellows for a bit.

All of which are FINE, as long as I am not pushing myself to the point of stressing out over homework (to get certified), or trying so hard to fix things at home that I am going on overkill, or freak out over everything concerning the later.

But honestly, life is beautiful.

Unique and beautiful.

Breath, Relax, and Take a Bath.

How great would it be, if life had an ice scream scooper. One that you could just scoop out pockets of time and just fester in them until your satisfied. (Not saying I FESTER in my ice-cream, not entirely sure what that would look like)

Because, in reality, THIS is what I end up doing with my real life time:

This, is my American Literature text book.

This was what I was supposed to be reading before I went to work tonight.

But this is what I did instead.

So as most may already know, I am an 23 year old who lives with her mom and goes to college in dreams of being a teacher when she grows up.

And while I am so thankful that I have a mom who lets me save money so I can actually afford college, it has become increasingly evident that I am becoming a pain in the butt to deal with.

Because... well I'll just be frank about it.

I am acting like I own the house.

I desperately believe this is coming from a desire to HAVE my own place, because well... I am 23 years old after all. 100 years ago I'd probably have 3 kids by now and be queen of the home for all I know. (or at least ruler of the kitchen)

But since I have yet to settle down and devote a lifetime with a man,

or have a child,

or stinken graduate from college already,

this is where I am.

So if my mom is reading this,

I am sorry for being such a pain,

but thanks for putting up with this

highly opinionated woman in your home.

Random Advice of the Moment:

For all the days you just don't feel awake enough, your stomach is giving you grief, your head is throbbing, or you just cant get your spirits up, constantly running around, or failing to accomplish anything productive, do yourself a favor and take a bath.

It truly makes the world of difference.

I ALMOST forgot about that 7 page paper that's waiting for me

Or the 40 pages I have to read

Or the lesson plan I must create

Or the other paper I need to finish

Or writing about the top 15 most important facts in American History...

Because I would know all about that...

I almost forgot all about it.

So breath, relax, and take a bath.

A Heart is Hard to Break That Way

I am so tired, I could just fall asleep.

But my goal, for these pictures, must be met.

SO, on my drive home....I took this picture.

This was after a riveting night of cheesy bread, brisk tea, and a movie with my lovely friend. Funny thing is, as we were driving to go out and have a few drinks, we both confessed that we were much too tired.

I confessed I wanted cheesy bread

And I wish that tea lasted longer.

But I love my friend. I am very happy I got to spend time in her cute little apartment.

Observation of the day:

Since I am on a "MUST BE SINGLE FOR NOW" kick, I'm... well single, intentionally. Not saying I have a LINE of men standing at my door waiting for his turn, just saying I'm trying to take a chill pill.

But I noticed that with my friend who is not single, I can still do boy talk.

Without getting whiney

Overly cynical,

or any of that.

And in my sleepy tired state, I found that interesting.

Just goes to show the benefits of having walls.

A heart is hard to break that way.

I think that was sarcasm.

I'll let you know in the morning

.

Enjoy the snow all you Michigan people.

Flash to the Past

I suppose in Preschool, when asked to draw a self portrait... I was a little confused...

Burned a Hole in my Cranium

Today was a two photo day.

First picture happened as I was driving to volounteer at Degage Ministries, eight o'clock in the morning. It was one of those mornings where I had to scrape off the frost from my windows as I shiver in my spring jacket (because I apparently protest against Michigan weather by wearing those)

I really just like this picture, plain and simple. It's one of those pictures you take real quickly without taking your eyes off of the road...

you know the times you just hope you didn't take a picture of your finger or review mirror on accident. I got lucky, and neither of those happened, and for my sleepy self, I was happy.

But today, my head just hurt. I want to blame the coffee I had at Degage, but maybe all my thinking burned a hole in my cranium or something. Needless to say, after my first class I was done.

So, I decided the fourth floor of the library on campus would be a good spot for me (for if I fell asleep, who would notice? Yea, all the people who are trying to hide on the 4th floor) Bought some chocolate and gum with my last two dollars, and quickly walked to the library. (quickly, because who wants to SLOWLY walk to the library when your freezing?)

So I sat down in this chair, and just exhaled. Thought to myself, "This looks nice." propped my phone on my knees, and took a picture.

But ok, I will confess something:

I really don't like the random sculptures on campus.

To be completely honest, I find my college's campus unattractive, except for their landscaping (They are good with nature, but it's a little hard to mess up God's creation in all honesty)

But their larger than life sculptures are just... not for me. But I will say, this random house shaped-larger-than-life thing they placed in some walkway, made for an interesting photo.

Random: this house/sculpture is a place on campus designated for "free speaking" Essentially, if you have a message or something to shout out to students on campus, you can "reserve" a time to speak "freely" concerning whatever you want during certain times of the day.

See speak freely, but make a reservation, and only at certain times.

Kinda funny to me.

I had a great night with my little brother Reed though. We talked and laughed about all sorts of things, read books, and just had a nice time. Sometimes I give him a hug and thank him for not being as dramatic as the rest of us girls.

Of which he just rolls his eyes to and says "Seriously"

Because seriously, between me, PMS, and suspected menopause running through the air of this dominated home, a girl can enjoy a breather.