Never give in and never give up. - Hubert H. Humphrey

Tonight it hit me: I am going to Mexico in three months. It does not feel like three months, because I have so much to accomplish. After this semester is complete, I have one week before my spring semester begins.

Plus, I thought, "Hey, before I go to bed, I will look up information on my professors for the spring!". Yeah... stupid idea.... turns out my Modern English professor has ruined so many student's GPA with her anal grading habits, that my best bet is to work my butt off and hope she likes me...

So needless to say, that time period between June 23-and July 6 called "prepare for Mexico" time, will probably feel like heaven after the previous 2 months of "sell your soul to my class" time.

But it's ok.

I am ready for this.

I am ready for all of it.

Sorta.

well... maybe?

Look out for panicked "OH MY GOSH I AM GOING INSANE" posts in the future, and that will be our answer huh?

Oh gosh, I love life.

Most ball games are lost, not won. ~ Casey Stengel

I believe looking at the big picture should be done with care. At least concerning a college education. I am partly convinced that there is a person out there, who sneaks in extra classes every once and a while, just to keep us here forever.

I'm a nerd, and I type out my "college plan". This is so I do not miss anything, and so I keep track of my progress. Depressing part? I keep realizing I missed a class or two. Another depressing part? Opposed to adding an extra year to my college experience, I am simply adding in summer school. Despite how hard core I feel... still a little depressing...

The other day as I was walking on campus, amazed on how warm it feels, and decided "I will enjoy this. I will not spend all of my college years wishing it was over." So there. My new motto concerning college degree seeking.

Speaking of college, we had this interesting discussion about women in my British Lit. class. My professor tried to get us to understand why girls have such underhand power, and his simple statement was "Men fear women. You are more intelligent then us, and we know that. We are filled with logic while you women are filled with... well everything that confuses our logic"

He is the professor who laughs at stories about women being suppressed, says that women always had power. It is an interesting statement to think about. I am not ignoring the thousands of women who are oppressed by men across the world as I write this... but America is filled with whiney women who want to be equal to men. But the question is this: do we really want that? Really, think about this one.

I am where I am on this. I am very much so aware of my estrogen and know if I had children I want to be there for them, however I love college and love the idea of having a career in education. So I am grateful that the feminist movement made education and opportunities all that more available for us.

And as for the personal life.

If you were to ask me about a month ago,if life could become more confusing, I'd say "NO!"

But if you were to ask that question today, I'd have to say "Yes".

Right and wrong in matters that seem grey are difficult to figure. I have been told over and over - "life is filled with these. The important thing is that you DO decide, and when you do, you stick to it and deal with the consequences that may follow."

However I will confess, I have become an expert at riding the fence. Such an expert I am, that I have a depressing announcement to make:

The grass is NOT greener on the other side.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes. -Frank Lloyd Wright

Question for you: If you had to pick one object that you could not bare to loose, what would it be?

I was asked this question in art. The project seemed simple enough- choose the given object in your life, explain the depth and meaning, draw a picture of it with some fancy narrative. It is due tomorrow, and I have no idea what to do.

There is no object here on earth, in this moment, that I can't bear to loose. So I then thought, ok! let's do the whole "Your house is on fire! what will you save?" thing and I instantly find myself thinking of practical things such as: "My phone... so i can call for help... My ID and stuff... so lets grab my purse... my beloved Bible I've had since I was 10..." Then I thought hey! memories! my journals, pictures...

and as I was thinking of my list I realized that none of this works. They want something that has special meaning to it... my cell phone doesn't exactly fall into the "special meaning" category...

Thus... I may have a crazy and live life detaching myself sentimentally to objects, or just place value on other aspects of life.

So... I'm pretty much planning on finding something and making a story up... or pick something that I like and embellish the origins a tad...

because apparently I'm at loss of ideas.

“The voices of the world are loud and sparse, but the voice of God is a constant whisper.” —Benjamin J. Elger

Someone once told me that I should stop stressing out over things and just let God show me the next step. (Not the FUTURE or the PLAN just the next STEP). Another told me that sometimes, the step God asks of us- hurts.

So my theory? If something comes into your life and its difficult, and uncertain, and forces you to trust on God entirely... it might be the one you should take.

But how many of us do? I mean, God still loves us even when we tiptoe through life. or we like to think so (mainly by ignoring the lukewarm verse where He says he will spit us out of his mouth.) We like to ask God to bless what we are doing, ignoring that fact that maybe we should be doing what God is blessing... but never mind that! Because dancing and jumping through life is pretty dangerous ya know? And I am not just saying "you might break your leg" dangerous, people have died from walking into the uncertainties.

We are all captivated by something. We are ALL captives.

What is captivating you?

And just so you know... this process is insane. One day I feel at peace, the next day I feel convicted, the other sad, and the next numb, followed by dreams and renewal... and then repeat.

But its God.

and I will not complain when I know that God is working on me

reveals to me that after all that I have done, He still hasn't given up on me yet. :)

OH! And I have a follower!!! This is lame.. but that really did make my day. Thank you Amber and Rusty :D

Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know. -Boorstin

So it is back to school.

Back to my planner with its different colored highlighter-system (Yellow means homework, Green means due date, and any other color.... means whatever I darn well want it too! geez). It was time to sit down and re-label my paper binder-holder-whatever-you-call-it with update classes. Print out class schedule, and feel the relief when you learn that the $250 dollars you had to spare for school books was just right.

I am in two education classes this time, and it has opened my eyes to a few things already. You see I choose Elementary Ed. rather naturally, however the only personal experience I have as a student in elementary school goes UP to Kindergarten. Which I never really thought much about, until I hear my professors say things like: "remember when your teacher would..." and all I have to recall back on is... well... my mom. And its not like my mom had teaching strategies that went beyond the words printed on the text book's teacher's guide.

NOW! Before ANYONE gets the impression that I am denouncing my mom for homeschooling me, I want to say that she did a marvelous job. We are not in-apt from our previous education what so ever, and we owe that 100% to our mom. Well, maybe more like 80%, I did start school in school and graduated from school in school. But needless to say, Thank you mom :)

What I am trying to express here, is that I have a blank slate. I am this girl, going to college sitting on edge waiting to here some guidance on how you effectively teach. Part of me is scared that this will not be an advantage, that my naivety will give me false impressions and silly ideas. But possibly this "clean slate" idea is a benefit yet to be discovered.

This is a huge learning experience, a time in which I have to coach myself to not just sit back and get by but throw myself into it my education and get the most of it while I can. Decide for myself through trial and error what works and what does not.

Its just... really? 3 more years? How much does that stink?

Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors. —African proverb

First day of the year, and I am crabby as they come. Instead of saying "Happy New Year" you should just say to me "Grumpy New Year". Luckily I am not convinced that this will be the foretelling of things to come this year. I honestly am not sure if I can top last year's grumpiness, it was rather epic.

Someone at work asked me, "So what was great about 2009?" and my brain smirked. However, I simply said, "I moved out of my mom's, and moved back in, and completed my first semester at Grand Valley"

The end.

I entered the New Year with my courageous and inspiring friend Kara. I was proudly given the title of "Good parking spot finder" and we freezed or little toes off in our high heels.

And we talked for hours and wore silly party hats for pictures and sipped on champaign. Then had a sleepover, went to sleep talking, and woke up talking.

I will always be amazed on how long I can talk to people I love and never grow tired of it.

And with that, I will take my grumpy butt to bed and wish you all a Happy New Year.

May we grow this year and keep pressing onward.

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. -Goldwyn

So I can see the end to all of this crazy-mayhem. My days of packing and going down, then up, then down again stairs... driving... then down and then up again stairs is coming to an end. I have pretty much everything back at my moms, I just have to use and abuse my mom's boyfriend and his truck tomorrow, then clean. See? I see the end.

I may have mentioned this before, but I really like my landlord-couple that lives below my previous apartment. Christmas morning I found a box of chocolates with a card from them by my door, thanking me for being such a great tenant. (yay!) So I was naturally worried that they wouldn't find a new tenant fast enough, like as if I ripped them off or something. (silly, but true) So I was happy to hear that they have a NEW tenant moving in THIS Thursday. So yesssss. The world really does carry on in my absence.

So here's to new beginnings in old places. Closing a book and opening a new one. Frustrated with what was, what is, and what could be. But giving it all up to discover the hope, the faith, and love that is promised. .

I'm home.